


Hope and a Fighting Chance

by TheLostGirl21



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Completed before the EC DLC, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-25
Updated: 2012-10-01
Packaged: 2017-11-15 00:19:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 38,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/521047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLostGirl21/pseuds/TheLostGirl21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Give us hope and a fighting chance. Hell, the Reapers better watch themselves.”  Every hero needs a hero every now and then.  And Kaidan is exactly what Shepard needs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS: Everything up to and including Mass Effect 3’s ending.  
> DISCLAIMERS: All the characters in the story belong to Bioware, and whoever else has the rights on Mass Effect. Some quotes will directly be borrowed from the games.  
> 

****

**Hope and a Fighting Chance**

**Chapter 1...**

_Let him go!_

**_Nooo!_ **

_Hold on, Kaidan..._

_Don’t give up...  saved my life, and I can’t...  Oh Goddess...  Please pull through, Kaidan...  We all need you, but Shepard...  I’ll go see how he’s doing...  be right back...  better not go anywhere..._

_Hey Kaidan...  Don’t know if you can hear me...  take my chances...  Don’t die, Kaidan...  You’ve got to fight...  need you in this...  I could use you...  Come on Kaidan, **fight**...  that’s an order..._

_Back when...  fought Saren...  glimpse of Shepard’s mind...  just the way he looks at you...  seen you look back...  Shepard...  his main reason to fight...  lost so much already...  Please live, Kaidan, for his sake as much as yours...  You’re a good friend...  care for you..._

 

They said that hearing was the last sensory faculty to go when people were dying...  Or being near death, anyway.  After the beating he’d taken on Mars, Kaidan figured that he’d been close enough.  He’d overheard some doctors say that his survival had been nothing short of a miracle, and the fact that he’d managed to make a full recovery even more so.  While they were quick to give credit to Dr. Michel and her team’s outstanding medical knowledge and skills, they seemed rather impressed with the strength of his physical constitution, as well as his will to live and get better.

 

Despite the migraines, his ability to adapt to an L2 implant seemed to indicate that he’d been gifted with a mind and body that was more resilient than most, they’d said.  But then, he guessed he’d always been lucky that way.  Now more than ever, he found himself determined to use that strength, and every other advantages he’d been given, to protect others from the Reapers and from anyone else wishing to abuse their own powers.

 

Though he hadn’t exactly come back from the dead as Shepard had, he felt that, in more ways than one, he’d been given a second chance to try to make things right...  Probably one of the reasons why he found himself unable to find sleep tonight and was making his way towards T’soni’s quarters.  He hadn’t gotten the chance to speak to her ever since the coup on the Citadel...  Last time they’d really seen each other, Shepard and he had been holding each other at gunpoint, while she’d watched helplessly, her own gun trained on him, wordlessly pleading for him to trust them.

 

While he felt that he had some apologizing to do, that wasn’t the only reason he wanted to see her...  Memories of the time he had spent in a coma were very scarce and hazy, but he kept hearing some voices in his head that...  Troubled him?  No, that wasn’t the right word.  It wasn’t anything negative just...  He couldn’t quite figure out if what he’d heard had been real, or simply the product of a dying mind desperately clinging to the hope of something he’d always believed he could never have.

 

It wasn’t an emergency, though...  He would just see if there was still light coming out of her “lair”, as the Normandy’s crew liked to call it.  If the place seemed dark, he would let her get some much needed rest.  He had to wonder if asaris needed as much sleep as the average human usually did.  Ever since she became the Shadow Broker, he’d been told that Liara spent entire days and sometimes nights going through her information networks.  He supposed that it was a good thing that her VI, Glyph, was helping her out.

 

Still, he wondered what he was going to say...  If the voices he had heard had indeed been the product of his imagination; a way to give himself a reason to fight through the darkness and make his way back to the living...  Then what?  He knew that he could trust Liara to keep his secret safe.  She was, after all, one of the most sensitive and discrete persons he’d ever met.  Beyond that, he also trusted her.  They both were private people and had very few friends.  But those that they did consider such meant the world to them.  And Liara had been a good friend.  He hoped that after his little stunt back on the Citadel, she still was.

 

But the matter made him feel incredibly nervous nevertheless, and he had to fight the urge to double back and return to his own quarters when he saw the bright light coming out of Liara’s room.  He knew that he was being silly, but part of him felt like a high school kid all over again.  All feverish at the thought that his latest crush might be sharing his feelings, and anxiously trying to gather more information about what said person thought about him through mutual friends.

 

He gently knocked on the half opened door, and slowly proceeded to take a peek inside.  Liara, who had been working at her console until then, turned around with a surprised look.  She evidently hadn’t expected anyone else to be up at this late hour.  However, as soon as the surprise wore off and her eyes found his, her whole face lit up, and she offered him a very happy, almost relieved smile.

 

“I’m sorry to bother you Liara.  I couldn’t sleep and...  Well, if this is a bad time, I could always come back later...”

 

“No no, please, come in.  Actually, it’s really good to see you.  I didn’t get much chance to talk to you since you’ve been released from the hospital, and I’d like to know how you are doing.” she said while proceeding to guide him inside.

 

“Wow...  This...  This is rather impressive, really.” he said while taking a look at the high tech surveillance equipments and communication networks.  “Shepard told me about how you managed to track down the Shadow Broker, and took over his operations.  What you’ve accomplished took some amazing skills.  You must be proud.”

 

“Well, from what I’ve heard we’ve all been pretty busy...  _Major_.” she stretched out the last word, clearly meaning it as a compliment.  “But I doubt that you came here to talk about work...” she said, offering him a place to sit on the edge of her bed “At least, I’d much rather talk about you.”

 

“Me?” Kaidan asked, a bit taken aback by her concern.

 

“I didn’t get much of a chance to visit you in the hospital except for that one time...  But you hadn’t regained consciousness yet, and the doctors couldn’t tell me if you ever would...  Shepard has kept us all updated on your progress following his visits but, after everything that’s happened at the Citadel, and with you rushing back into the action like that, I just wanted to make sure that you were feeling alright...  I should’ve checked on you earlier, actually, made sure that you didn’t have any trouble settling back in, I’m sorry, and...”

 

“Liara, stop.” he said, surprised by how worried she sounded.  “Shepard already helped me get settled when I first came in, and EDI showed me around the ship.” he paused, offering a brief half-smile “That is, once I recovered from the heart attack she almost gave me.  I appreciate the concern, but I sense there is more to it.”

 

“Back on Mars, when Dr. Eva got out of the shuttle, you immediately pushed me out of the way and positioned yourself between she and I...”

 

“I was doing my job, Liara...” he gently tried to interrupt, but she only shook her head and put her hand up to indicate that it was important for her that he let her finish.

 

“I knew you were going to say that.  Actually, I don’t know anyone on this team that wouldn’t be ready to take a bullet for a friend, or to sacrifice their own life so that the others could get to safety.  But when it comes down to it, it only shows how many noble, brave and dedicated souls we’ve got on this ship.  That still doesn’t take anything away from the fact that you risked your life on that day and probably saved mine.  If she’d grabbed me instead of you, with the very little protection I was wearing, I most certainly would have died.” she said, grabbing his hands in hers.

 

“You may feel that you were only doing your job.  But it’s still a job that **you** chose to do.  You chose to become a soldier, and you chose to put yourself in harm’s way to protect a friend.  That’s all part of who you are, and I am grateful.”

 

“Then you’re welcome...” he said, smiling back at her, and giving her hands a little squeeze.  “Does that mean that you’ve forgiven me for the rather uncomfortable situation I put you all in with the council back there?”

 

“Well, you were only doing your job...” she replied, making him chuckle a bit.

 

“Yeah...”

 

“Seriously though, I believe that everyone that was there understood.  The Citadel was under attack, Cerberus had assassins going after your elevator, and out steps Shepard, who has not only been collaborating with Cerberus in the past, but was also entirely rebuilt by them...  Not to mention that Miranda did say that they had considered putting a control chip inside of him at some point...”

 

“See, now you’re **really** easing my mind...”

 

Liara laughed “Don’t worry though, they didn’t.  Apparently, the Illusive Man objected to anything that could have altered Shepard’s personality in any way.  And I believe that Miranda and Jacob can be trusted on that.  I guess that what I’m trying to say is that I understand why you hesitated.  And I’m sure that the others do to, Shepard included.”

 

“Thanks Liara, that means a lot...” he said, feeling relieved that he hadn’t managed to alienate some of the best people he had ever known.  “And just so you know, I promised Shepard that from now on, I’ll stop doubting him.  After everything that’s happened, I guess I’d rather take the risk and let myself fully believe that it **is** him, even if I happen to be wrong, than add to everything he must have been through since they brought him back.  The Shepard I know and lo...  I mean...  Uh...  He deserves better.”

 

 _Smooth...  Real smooth Alenko..._   At least, if he was blushing, Liara had the generosity not to comment on it.

 

“And I’m so glad to hear it!” she said, positively beaming.

 

“So you and I, we are good, right?”

 

“You’re a good friend, Kaidan.  One of the best I’ve ever had...  I remember when I first arrived on the Normandy, you were the only human, besides Shepard, that came to see me and made sure that I was feeling welcomed.  And then, you were always so patient and helpful whenever I had questions or needed help.  I care for you...  After everyone we’ve lost to this war, I’m both glad and very relieved we’ve got you back.”

 

“Thanks Liara, so am I.  And I’m happy to call you a friend, too.” he sincerely said, before his mind wandered to the main reason of his visit...  Well, considering what he’d almost blurted out earlier, and he had no illusions that Liara would indeed have caught that, it should be easier, right?  Then why did his brain refuse to come up with something to say, and why couldn’t he stop fidgeting?

 

“Was there something else?” the asari offered with a knowing smile, coming to the rescue.

 

“Yeah...  Ummm...  In fact, there was...” he took a deep breath.  _Come on Alenko!  You’re a 35 years old military Major, not some love struck teenager, for god’s sake!_   “You mentioned coming to visit me when I was still in a coma at the hospital?”

 

Liara’s smile grew a bit wider. _Oh that’s great, she’s actually enjoying this, isn’t she?_ “What of it?”

 

“I, uh, have been hearing these things that you said and...  Well, at least I think that you’re the one who said them...  It was your voice and...”  _Alright, if she keeps smiling like that, I’m running out of here within the next 5 minutes, I swear!_

 

“And you’re wondering if I really did tell you that Shepard may have feelings for you?” she offered, apparently taking pity on him.  Good to know that while she still seemed to find the situation rather amusing, she wasn’t just plain evil.

 

“No.  Well yes, I mean...  These weren’t the exact words but...  Did you?”  _So when exactly have I unlearned how to talk?_

Liara couldn’t help but chuckle a bit “I may have mentioned something along the lines of you being Shepard’s main reason for fighting this war...  Or that I had gotten a glimpse of his feelings for you back when we were fighting Saren, and Shepard and I linked our minds in order for me to help him better understand the information that he had received from the Prothean beacons...  I may also have mentioned that I have noticed the way that both of you look at each other, especially when you think that none of us will notice...  Is that what you were referring to?”

 

“I...  Yes, but how?”  _You have reached Kaidan Alenko’s brain.  I am undertaking some heavy maintenance right now.  Please come back later, when I’ll have resumed basic functioning._

“How can I be so sure?”  Well, at least Liara’s brain was working properly, and even seemed to be reading his.  Perhaps that whole “embrace eternity” thing with the black eyes was just for show after all, and asaris could always get into your mind whenever they wished to.

 

“Come on, Kaidan.  While the Commander has many friends and people that he cares about, there’s no one else that can captivate his attention like you do.  Whenever you’re there, it’s like he simply tunes in to you...  Actually, so do you.  You two have this kind of chemistry together both on, and out of the battlefield.  This little “extra care” you give to each other’s opinions and actions.  And when you got hurt back on Mars and we feared that we would lose you...  That was the only time where I saw him almost giving up hope.  I can’t guarantee that Shepard loves you, of course, but I can tell you that his feelings for you do run deep.  You have to decide if the risk is worth taking.”

 

 _“Nobody ever fell in love without being a little bit brave…”_ came a voice from the Normandy’s communication systems.

 

“EDI!  Have you been listening to the whole conversation?” Liara asked, her tone disapproving.

 

_“Only parts of it.  I thought that Major Alenko would be glad to know that I agree with Dr. T’Soni’s assessment of the situation.  When I asked Commander Shepard his advice on how to provoke Joker into an emotional commitment, he suggested that I create more opportunities for us to spend time together, despite not knowing how he would respond to my…  interest… in him.  His exact words were “Nobody ever fell in love without being a little bit brave…”  I believe that the Major isn’t lacking the bravery department”._

 

“Thank you EDI, but I don’t know if being brave on the battlefield has anything to do with the kind of courage required when seeking...  to provoke someone into an emotional commitment.” Kaidan replied, apparently having found his voice again.

 

_“Nonetheless, time is short…  And both you and the Commander have already defied the odds by surviving this war as long as you have.  I suggest that whatever you choose to do, you do not delay too long before reaching a conclusion.”_

 

“Thanks, I will…  And EDI…”

 

_“I won’t inform Shepard or any of the crew members that we’ve had this discussion…”_

Kaidan couldn’t resist smiling.  He hadn’t known her for very long, but he could understand why the Normandy’s crew had grown particularly fond of EDI…  The AI showed surprisingly strong humane qualities, including empathy.  A few still felt that they were venturing into the unknown by allowing her to care for the Normandy’s systems, and wandering around the ship without any restraints…  But apparently, Shepard had been completely opposed to the idea of imposing any sort of artificial controls on EDI.  He believed that the more he and the crew showed that they believed in and trusted her, the more the AI’s thought processes were allowed to grow and individuate.  Thus, helping EDI to understand more complex beliefs and notions, and to acquire a sense of right and wrong.  Allowing an AI to build a strong personal moral compass seemed like the safest and most ethical way to respectfully gain her loyalty, instead of forcing her to remain loyal through the usual coercive methods that most organics reserved for synthetics.

 

EDI cared for the crew, and fought alongside them not because she was programmed to do so, but because she chose to, because she felt personally invested in their well being.  And in turn, they had become very protective of her, treating her with the same level of respect and consideration that they would show any other member of the team.

 

He knew that part of it was Shepard’s influence, and the thought made him proud.  Shepard approached any issue that he didn’t fully understand with a very humble and open mind, seeking to observe and learn instead of judging.  Life was one of the greatest mysteries of all…  So who was to say that a being born through synthetic means wasn’t alive as well?  Especially when she had seemed to develop a conscience…  A soul…

 

Organic cells and tissues were, after all, a very well crafted and complex “machine” that followed specific rules in order to keep the body and mind working.  So if you could reactivate a synthetic without loosing any of the data it had gathered over the course of its life, or altering its personality…  Was it that very far fetched that Shepard could have been brought back to life once they had repaired his body, without altering who he truly was?  Perhaps the Commander was living proof that organics and synthetics weren’t so dissimilar after all.  And perhaps both could acquire a conscience, a soul, a living force that was entirely unique to each individual, and seemed to form the very essence of who that person is.  So Shepard...  Really was back…

 

“That is very much appreciated EDI, thank you…  And thanks to you too, Liara.  You both have given me much to think about.”

 

“It was good talking to you.” Liara replied, pulling Kaidan into a heartfelt hug.  He returned the embrace before excusing himself from her quarters, heading towards the lounging area of the ship on the port observation deck.

 

He would probably come to regret it later in the morning, considering that he could already feel the first signs of a headache coming up, but right now, he needed a drink.

 

Apparently, he wasn’t the only one.  A turian was already seated in one of the couches, holding a glass in his hand.

 

“Mind if I join you, Garrus?”

 

“Not at all, in fact, I had meant to come and see you.  Things got...  Pretty tense back there...”

 

“That’s putting it mildly!”  Joker said as he burst through the door, looking mightily pissed.

 

“Uh.  Hi Joker.”

 

“Oh, so we’re your buddies now?  You trust us?  Everything’s good?”  Alright, so mightily pissed was an understatement.

 

“Joker...”  Garrus warned, apparently feeling like this wasn’t the time.

 

_“Jeff, the Commander did ask you to go easy on Kaidan.”_

 

“Ask all he wants, it won’t stop me from speaking my mind!”

 

“It’s okay, EDI, I’ve got this.” Kaidan said calmly, hoping to defuse the situation.

 

“Of course you do, just like you had the whole situation under control back at the Citadel.  Threatening to shoot the Commander, Kaidan?  **Really**?”

 

Wait, was he really suggesting...?  Making a stand to prevent someone from being killed without proof of his guilt or proper trial was one thing.  But actually pulling the trigger?  His temper flared up at the thought that anyone could ever think that he would have been able to kill Shepard.  **“I never would have shot!”**

 

“ **Well DUH, of course you never would have!**   You’d just have stood there, between Shepard and his target, to make some grand statement about “not giving in to terrorists and protecting the presumed innocent” or some shit!  And then, poor Garrus here would have been forced to take you down; ‘cause of course there’s no way that the Commander would ever have been able to pull the trigger either!  Then, it would have been Horizon all over again, except so much **worse** because Shepard would be left with absolutely no hope of ever making things right between you two.  Garrus would have had to spend the rest of his life with the guilt of having gunned down a friend.  And Liara, Chakwas, I, and every other member of this crew that actually cares about your sorry ass would have been left mourning yet another friend to that goddamn war!”  As he spoke, Joker’s tone went from anger, to frustration, to something akin to concern and despair.  They had all lost and sacrificed a lot to this war, and all of them were acutely aware that this was just the beginning.

 

Listening to Joker’s rant, he realised that the pilot was just under as much stress and pressure as anyone else, perhaps even more.  It was clear that Jeff saw the people on board “his” ship as his responsibility.  And that included him, apparently.

 

“I’m sorry, I hadn’t realized you cared so much...”

 

“Why else would I be so upset and shouting?” he replied, as if it should have been self-evident.  He sounded a lot calmer, though.

 

Something else in his speech had caught his attention.

 

“I...  Uh...  Wait...  What do you mean by _Horizon_?”

 

“ _Horizon_ , also known about “that time Shepard got his heart crushed, and spent the next month mopping around the ship and skipping meals”.  Just ask Garrus how hard we had to work to cheer him up and get him to remain focused on the mission.”

 

“Chakwas did consider putting him on antidepressants, but decided against it since she feared it would slow down his reflexes, and put him at risk in combat situations.” the turian reluctantly admitted.

 

Kaidan was shocked.  He knew that what he’d told Shepard on that day had hurt...  And thankfully, they had gotten a chance to open up about it, and work through their issues during the few times that Shepard had come to visit him in the hospital.  He’d never imagined that it had affected him so much, though.

 

“I...  Had no idea...” he replied, his voice barely over a whisper.

 

“Yeah, well that time positively **sucked**.  And since Anderson basically ordered me to take care of him, I’m going to make sure that Shepard isn’t being put under more stress than he already is!  After all he’s been through, he deserves better.”

 

Joker was right, he really did.  And Kaidan was determined not to add more on Shepard’s already overflowing plate.

 

“He does, really.  And I’m sorry...  I never meant to hurt him, I just...  We both watched him die, Joker...  Organics don’t usually come back from the dead and...  Well, I guess that it would have helped if I had met with EDI earlier...”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

He smiled.  “She’s got a kind and beautiful soul, no matter the platform she is operating.  It might have helped me get over the fact that Shepard had been rebuilt, and encouraged me to truly take a look at the person within instead.”

 

“Are you saying this to get on my good side?” Joker asked suspiciously, but you could see that Kaidan’s words had deeply touched him.

 

“No, I mean it.  When Shepard  died...  Well, let’s simply say that for a little while there, the world I was in stopped making sense...  Although he ordered me to take care of the crew and get them to the shuttles, I never quite forgave myself for having left the Normandy before he did.  Some part of me always felt like I should’ve stayed, no matter what...” he looked down, swallowing hard.  Talking about his feelings was a very difficult thing to do, especially without having to relive them.

 

“I cared for him, perhaps more than I was supposed to.  When I saw him on Horizon, I was still reeling.  I had only begun to accept that he was gone, and suddenly there he was, standing right in front of me.  I can’t think of any situation that’s ever felt as surreal.  It’s like my mind was refusing to cope with it, and let myself hope...  Each time I looked at him, all I could see was his body floating in the vast open space, hopelessly fighting to stay alive.  It sounds terrible, but back then, it was easier for me to believe that all of it was some cruel Cerberus trick to try to gather more Intel on the Alliance and lure us into letting our guards down...  Because letting myself believe that Shepard really was back only meant that I could risk losing him again...  And I don’t think I would have been able to survive it this time.”

 

“And now?” Joker asked quietly, urging him to go on.

 

“Now, I find that in this war, hope is probably the only thing that any of us truly have left.  I’ve been given a second chance to fight alongside him, and try to make a difference.  No matter what, I’m not going to waste it.  I’ve got his back, a hundred percent.”  It was promise that he was making both to them, and to himself.

 

“Well, then I’m sorry for jumping on you like that.”

 

“Feeling better now?” Kaidan asked with a sheepish smile.

 

Joker returned the smile, letting him know that as far as he was concerned, all had been forgiven and dealt with.  “Yeah...  Okay I’m good.  We’re good.”

 

“And I’m glad you two kids kept it civil and didn’t force me to intervene.”

 

“Come on Garrus, you know that I wasn’t actually going to **really** kick his ass.  I might have broken my foot or something.” the pilot replied with a shrug.

 

“Still, you can be pretty scary sometimes...  Not to mention that you’ve now got this super hot girlfriend that could easily beat the crap out of me.”

 

“Damn straight!”

 

Kaidan had to admit, he really had missed it.  The playful banter and good natured teasing that seemed to be the rule on board the Normandy.

 

“ _I have no wish to follow in the footsteps of this platform’s previous occupant, and can assure you that I would never use this body to harm you, Kaidan._ ”

 

“I know EDI, that was...”

 

“ _...a joke.  Then it is good to know that you can already find humor in these things.  It means that we won’t have to worry about the psychological after effects of your previous ordeal._ ”

 

Surprisingly, they really didn’t.  Memories of watching Shepard getting spaced, or watching that bomb detonate on Virmire seemed to have left a stronger imprint on his mind than his own near death experience.  He remembered instinctively pushing Liara out of the way and shooting at Dr. Eva while she’d rushed him with inhuman speed.  Then, the next thing he knew he didn’t have his gun anymore, and he was helplessly being suspended in mid-air with the lower part of his helmet painfully pressed against his windpipe, effectively cutting his air flow and leaving him gasping for breath...  And then everything had gone black.  While unpleasant, it had happened so fast and hadn’t been more painful or traumatic than any other injuries he’d sustained in the past while fighting.  Also, Kaidan didn’t really fear death...  His greatest fear was watching people close to him get hurt or die, while being powerless to do anything about it.

 

“Don’t worry EDI, Kaidan won’t curl himself into a ball and start rocking back and forth each time he encounters a mech.”

 

That earned a chuckle from Garrus “Now that would be quite the show...”

 

“Sorry Garrus, but I fear Joker’s right, and I won’t start panicking any more than you would if we encountered a gunship.”

 

“Still, I prefer to stay clear of those.  I won’t curl into a ball, but you’ll sure see me running for cover.”

 

“A very sound plan.” Kaidan agreed.  There was, after all, a difference between cowering in fear, and avoiding tempting fate.

 

“I don’t know about you Alenko, but I could really use a drink right now….” Joker said, eyeing Garrus’ own glass of turian brandy.  “Think you can grab us some glasses, and a bottle of non-dextro from the bar?”

 

“Aye aye.” he replied, making his way to the bar as Joker took a seat next to the turian.

 

“And guys, thanks.” he said as he plopped down into the couch facing them, uncorking the bottle and pouring both he and Joker a drink.

 

“What for?”  Garrus wondered.

 

“I can always yell at you more often, if you’d like.” The pilot added with a smile.

 

“Thanks Joker, but I’ll pass.  Though if I start acting stupid again, you can go ahead and bring me back on track.” He said, returning the smile.

 

“You can pretty much count on it!”

 

“I meant thanks for watching over Shepard, and for the support you’ve given him ever since he came back.  I know I should’ve been there for him, but it’s good to know that at least, he wasn’t alone in all of this.” He sincerely told them, feeling the familiar wave of guilt and regret take a hold of him.

 

“Yeah, well you staying out of that whole suicide mission with the Collectors made us look good.”  Joker replied, trying to keep his tone light, though he knew that the whole thing must have been pretty hard on the Major as well.

 

“Plus, I suppose that having someone with your history of faithful services to the Alliance speaking up on Shepard’s behalf during his trials helped make a difference.  The way everything played out was probably for the best.”  Garrus added.

 

Kaidan sighed.  “Yeah...”  Perhaps the turian was right.  Perhaps the fact that he hadn’t abandoned his post and his duties to the Alliance in order to follow Shepard against the Collectors had made a difference when it came down to giving credibility to Shepard’s claims about the imminent Reapers threat.  His being a well respected officer testifying about what he had seen on Virmire and Ilos, and backing up Shepard’s findings and decisions may have made a small difference in the fact that the human council had ultimately begun to believe him, and had been willing to quickly drop most of the charges against the Commander.  And least, he hoped.

 

“So, when are you going to ask him out?” Garrus asked, pulling him out of his musings.

 

“Excuse me?” Kaidan replied, momentarily confused.

 

“Shepard.  Now that you’re back and you two have managed to put the past behind you, aren’t you going to ask him out?”  the turian clarified, as if it should have been evident.

 

The L2 was shocked.  Okay, so he’d just admitted to caring about the Commander more than he probably should; and from what Joker had told them, it seemed that Shepard cared a lot about him, too.  But with the war going on, and the fact that they all had to deal with rather pressing matters, “dating” didn’t seem to be something that he’d expected to be on anyone’s mind, much less Garrus’.

 

“Come on, Alenko!  It’s not like everyone hasn’t noticed the sexual tension between you two.  Better act on it while you still can.”  Joker said with a roll of his eyes.  This really wasn’t helping in making that whole conversation any less surreal.  And what did he mean by…

 

“Wait...  Everyone?” he asked, now somewhat horrified.  He did feel attracted to the Commander but…  To think that the attraction was mutual, and that other people among the crew had been able to notice it when he himself had been completely blind to it…

 

“Yeah.  It’s difficult to be any more obvious.”

 

 _Oh god..._ He only hoped that he wasn’t blushing right now.  Perhaps he could blame it on the drinks.

 

“And you guys are...  Okay with that?” Having noticed that Shepard and he might be interested in each other was one thing…  But were they really encouraging him to do something about it?

 

“Sure, why not?”  Garrus answered with a shrug.

 

“Because we’re military.  He’s my commanding officer, and last time I checked, there were regulations against that sort of thing.”

 

Joker immediately dismissed the argument with a wave of the hand.  “Pffft!  Aren’t you two Spectres?  Allowed to break the law and all that...”

 

“In order to do whatever must be done to protect people and keep the galaxy safe, sure.” He quickly clarified.  He doubted that when the Citadel council had chosen to allow their agents to disregard certain rules to get the job done, two military officers getting it on was what they had in mind.

 

“My point, exactly.”  Joker replied, looking rather smug.

 

“I’m sorry Joker, but I fail to see how Shepard and I breaking the law to be together fits into the job description.”

 

“I don’t.  It makes perfect sense, actually.”  Garrus agreed.

 

“Alright, enlighten me.”

 

“Both Joker and I have been with the Commander long enough to know that the more Shepard feels emotionally invested in a mission, the higher are his chances to succeed.  What could be considered as a distraction for most people, in Shepard’s case, becomes his strongest motivator.  The Illusive Man knew this, and this is why he insisted on surrounding Shepard with trusted allies that he would strongly care about.  Each of us represents a connection to what he is trying to save, gives him a personal reason for fighting.  For example, he sees the quarian people through Tali...  The krogans through Wrex...  These individual connections allow him to create a general attachment to these people, and care for their welfare as much as if they were a part of his own family.”  The turian began to explain.  And while he could indeed recognise Shepard’s behavior and the description, and understand where Garrus was coming from, he still wasn’t sure where exactly he fit in.

 

 “And what would I represent for him?”

 

Garrus smiled knowingly…  Or, at least, it looked like a smile.  “Home.  Safety.  The one place in the universe where he can allow himself to be human, instead of having to live up to the pressure of being the larger than life savior of the galaxy.  Someone with whom he can share his burdens.  Someone that can be there to pick him up, and give him hope when it seems that all hope is lost and the world is crumbling around him.  Someone that would fight with all he’s got, and give all that he is to keep him safe.” He went on, leaving Kaidan speechless.  Given the chance, there was no doubt in his mind and in his heart that he would indeed gladly be all that for Shepard.  Actually, there was nothing in the world that he would wish more than to be there to love and support him.  Make things easier if he could.

 

Beyond family, beyond friendship, Shepard was his main personal connection to this war.  The main reason why he’d held onto life so fiercely, and why he’d refused to give up the hope that they could win this.  Shepard’s presence gave him strength, and made him believe that anything was possible if they only fought hard enough for it…

 

“Every hero needs a hero every now and then, Kaidan.  I think you should be his.”  Garrus added, leaving him visibly moved.  Garrus and Shepard were brothers in all but blood.  That he’d had such faith in him after all he’d put the Commander through…

 

“Even though I let him down?” he asked quietly, his voice laced with regret.

 

“Despite my little outburst earlier, I can understand why you weren’t exactly eager to jump on the Cerberus train.”  Joker offered compassionately, knowing a thing or two about regrets.  “And as Garrus said, everything turned out to be for the best.  The Commander deserves to be happy, and have someone to live and fight for.  As far as I’m concerned, you’re still the best candidate.”

 

“You guys almost make it sound like all that Shepard needs to get through this and succeed in stopping the Reapers is someone that loves him.”

 

“Pretty much.” The pilot confirmed “Especially when it’s the man that he’s been pining for over the last three years.”

 

“Two of them he spent being dead.”  The two longest years of his life, Kaidan recalled.

 

“I’m sure he was still watching over you.  Especially when you were taking a shower...”

 

“Joker!” Garrus exclaimed in a mock horrified voice, but had to fight to keep himself from laughing.

 

“What?  Seriously though, if we all died tomorrow, what would you regret?”

 

Kaidan didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to.  The look of pain and longing in his eyes spoke volumes.  The thought of loosing Shepard without ever having told him how he felt…  Ever having known if they could have shared something more…

 

“I believe you have your answer.” Joker stated.

 

“I...  Think I do...” he acquiesced, still feeling a bit unsure of what to do exactly, but knowing that he couldn’t go back to pretending that his feelings for Shepard were anything less than they were.

 

They stayed in silence for a few minutes, all of them enjoying their drinks and lost in their own thoughts, until Kaidan noticed something that had been bothering him ever since he entered the room.

 

“Say, do you guys know what happened to all the cushions that used to be lying around here?”

 

Garrus guffawed, almost choking on his brandy, while Joker turned 3 sheds of red.  Wait, what did he miss?

 

 _“Joker and I deny any responsibility in the sudden disappearance of these cushions.”_ Came EDI’s voice from the com. systems.

 

“I never implied…  Now why would you two?…”  _Oh. OH._   It was Kaidan’s time to turn red, much to Garrus’ amusement.

 

“Well, this has been fun.”  The turian said, standing up, “But although tomorrow is shore leave, there are a few supplies that I need to go buy from the Citadel, so I don’t intend to spend the whole day sleeping in.  I think it’s time for me to go get some shut eye.”

 

This was probably a good idea.  Not that Kaidan thought that he would be able to get much sleep after all he’d heard tonight, but at least it wouldn’t hurt to rest a bit.  “I think I’ll call it a night too.  Thanks for the talk...”

 

“Anytime.”

 

He quietly made his way back to the starboard observation deck, where he’d elected to sleep since most of the beds that were in the crew quarters had already been taken, and sat down on one of the lounge chairs, checking his e-mails from his private terminal first.

 

To his surprise, he had received a message from Aria T’Loak requesting…

 

 _Oh god..._   Kaidan didn’t know how long he just sat there, gapping, both horrified and amazed…  But then, he started laughing until his chest hurt.  Wiping out the tears from his eyes and catching his breath, he finally decided that his companions had been right.  He loved Shepard, always had…  With so much being uncertain in this war, now may be the only chance they would ever get to be together.  Perhaps Shepard would refuse, either not returning his feelings or considering sharing an intimate relationship with another crew member a distraction from their mission.

 

But would it really hurt to, at the very least, give him the chance to make this decision?

 

He went through his contacts and began writing a message to the Commander:

 

_Hey Shepard,_

_I don’t know about you, but I could sure use a little breather.  Next time you’re on the Citadel, let me buy you dinner.  We should try Apollo’s.  It’s that little restaurant in the courtyard overlooking the Presidium._

_Kaidan_

 

Smiling, he pressed “sent”.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Hope and a Fighting Chance**

**Chapter 2...**

Kaidan had arrived at the little café about 45 minutes before the time of their meeting...  And now, he was starting to regret it.  For the last half hour, he had been rehearsing in his head what he was going to say, how Shepard was likely to react, different scenarios with different outcomes...  Some rather good, others nothing short of catastrophic...  The anticipation was simply driving him mad!

 

It didn’t help that this was the very first time that he’d been thinking about getting involved in a serious relationship with another man either...  Not that gender mattered much, as far as he was concerned.  Though many men or women did develop an exclusive attraction to either gender, it was never something that Kaidan had ever really taken the time to consider.

 

He remembered having watched vids from the early 21st century where people were the victims of discrimination and violence for identifying as gays, lesbians, or even bisexuals...  But it seemed that with the discovery of the mass relays and space exploration, humans had stopped feeling the need to label and categorize love, relationships, and sexual preferences in such a solid and definite manner.

 

After all, a man being in love with another man seemed like a pretty normal occurrence when people were starting to fall for other species such as the asaris or the turians.  And two women choosing to adopt a baby together didn’t seem so unnatural anymore when you took into consideration that there was an entire race out there that not only was all females, but had the ability to procreate with other species.  “Mother” was simply a title given to the one that carried and gave birth to the baby; and “father” was the other partner, no matter his or her race or gender.

 

People in general had long understood that the need for love, intimacy, partnership, and the sharing of one’s self with another went much beyond the notion of simple reproduction instincts.  If you found yourself lucky enough to care for another sentient being to the point where you wanted to share your life with that person, and find some happiness together, why let anything stop you?

 

Kaidan loved Shepard, and it was pretty clear by now that he also felt strong desires for him.  The fact that he was another man simply added another unknown, and he was determined to try to make things right.  He realized that the reason why Shepard made him feel so nervous was because he already felt a deep connection to him, and wasn’t looking for some casual fling or anything short term.

 

It was one thing to go on a date with someone you’d just met and feel interested in, but without knowing exactly where the relationship would lead you, nor knowing just how far your emotional attachment to that other individual would go.  It was another thing entirely to court someone that you already loved and felt entirely committed to, body and soul, and to wonder how that person would respond to you.  The potential for loss and pain was greater, but thankfully, so was the possibility for incredible joy and happiness.

 

He took another deep breath and closed his eyes.  Alright, this was Shepard...  No matter what happened, he could at the very least trust him to respect his feelings, and not to say anything that would hurt him on purpose.  Unlike what he did on Horizon when he shut Shepard out...  Not that it was on purpose, but still...  Arrrg!  Thinking wasn’t helping **at all** right now!

 

Opening his eyes, he saw that Shepard had finally made it to the Presidium, and was on his way towards the café.  As soon as he noticed Kaidan, he offered him a warm smile and a small wave of the hand as he slightly quickened his pace, making his way towards their table.

 

Kaidan smiled and waved back, taking it as a good sign that Shepard seemed at the very least happy to be here and to come join him.  Thankfully, he also felt his anxiety drop quite a notch.

 

“Surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this...” he casually said as Shepard reached him, trying to draw suspicion away from the unusual fanciness of their menu...  He didn’t really feel like having to explain to Shepard how his latest outing at Purgatory ended up providing them with a dinner for two, courtesy of Aria.

 

“Maybe it’s better if we don’t ask how...  or where.” Shepard replied, much to his relief, while taking the seat to his left and turning the chair a bit towards him.  Kaidan noticed that it made their encounter feel more...  Intimate.  Without the table in between them, all that either of them had to do was lean a bit to the side, and they could almost touch.  He couldn’t help but wonder if Shepard had noticed, too, and if he’d purposefully chosen to sit there.

 

Perhaps it was Shepard’s way to let him know that he was interested; to silently encourage him to open up to him and make his move...  Or maybe he was simply reading way too much into it and slowly going mad.

 

“I’m glad we’re taking the time to do this.” he said while leaning forward and resting his arms on the table, trying to adopt a relaxed and opened attitude “I could use a sanity check.”

 

“Things have been pretty crazy.” Shepard acknowledged with a little nod.

 

“You know, my life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars...  And there weren’t enough moments like this, with people I care about.”

 

He’d meant what he’d said casually...  Just a way to let Shepard know how important what they were doing right now was for him; but as soon as he’d mentioned Mars, it seemed that Shepard had immediately tensed ever so slightly, and his expression had become worried.  It was very subtle, but Kaidan caught it and mentally felt like kicking himself.

 

“How are you feeling these days?” the other man asked, visibly concerned.

****

“Feeling up to whatever the Reapers throw at me.” he replied, keeping his voice as light and carefree as possible, trying to let Shepard know that whatever happened on Mars, he had entirely recovered from it and this wasn’t the reason why he had invited him to come and share a moment with him.  “And grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax.”

 

“Yeah, I think it’s a good time for us to have a heart-to-heart.  Let’s talk.” Shepard agreed “What are you drinking?”

 

Kaidan chuckled a bit, remembering that Shepard’s last drinking adventure was part of the reason why they both ended up here...  But he quickly managed to cover it.

 

“If you’re trying to butter me up, it might take a nice steak sandwich, too.”

 

“So?”

 

“Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager.  Think they have it?” he asked, though he already knew the answer.

 

“More likely to have batarian shard wine”.  Shepard replied while taking a look at the menu, his eyebrows slightly going up in a mix of surprise and confusion as he took notice of the rather rich and varied selection of drinks and main courses.  Of course, Shepard didn’t comment on it, nor did Kaidan really expect he would.  But that didn’t stop him from silently enjoying it.  The Commander wasn’t an overtly expressive person, but to Kaidan, he was an open book.  A little twitch of his nose, a crease in his forehead, a small roll of his eyes, a certain variation of tone in his voice...  There were always little signs that could let you easily know what Shepard was feeling, and sometimes even thinking.  If you knew to look for them, of course.

 

“At my parents’ place in Vancouver, drank more than a few beers on their balcony, looking over English Bay...” he said, trying to make some small talk and get the conversation going, before the haunting images of having witnessed Vancouver under attack from the Reapers and burning came back to his mind.  “Yeah, beautiful view...”  He was determined not to let such thoughts ruin their moment, though.  Hadn’t he told Shepard that they were here to relax, and take their minds off of these things?

 

“You know what though, I feel good about our chances.” he added, trying to put as much conviction as he could in his words.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.  Let’s me sleep better at night.”

 

Of course, it didn’t take much more for Shepard to once again become concerned about his well being.  “You’re not sleeping, Kaidan?”

 

“Maybe a little restless...” Kaidan admitted quietly, looking away.  He knew that as long as he didn’t say exactly what was on his mind, tell Shepard the reason why he wanted to have a private talk with him, the Commander would just keep imagining the worst, and worry.  If he wanted them to actually enjoy their dinner together and get pass the “awkward” stage of beating around the bush, he would probably need to say something.  He took a deep breath.

 

“It’s just...  You plan a career, you focus, then suddenly the world’s ending and it’s too late to...  to find someone.” he began explaining, still unable to look at Shepard, feeling both incredibly vulnerable and exposed, and afraid to see what he might “read” there, if he ever dared look.

 

“Someone?” Shepard prompted, giving him enough courage this time to look in his eyes.

 

“We’ve been friends a long time, Shepard.  Have you ever known me to be with anyone?” he asked, but for the first time, he found himself unable to decipher what the other man was thinking.  He was listening attentively, but beyond that...  “But I guess I’m just choosy or patient or...  I don’t know...”  he explained while feeling his heart beating incredibly fast, surprised that he was still able to keep his voice so calm and steady.  “Maybe what I’ve never found, what I want is...  something deeper with someone I already...  care about.” Well, that was putting it mildly.  “That’s what I want.  What do you want?”

 

There it was...  He’d finally admitted it and no matter what, there was no turning back or changing his mind now.

 

“You and me?  Is that what you’re saying, Kaidan?” Shepard asked with a certain amount of awe in his voice, while looking probably just as fragile and exposed as he’d felt a few moments ago.

 

It occurred to Kaidan that while he’d had some time to really think it through, get used to the idea that the one he loved more than anything might be sharing his feelings, and that the possibility of them sharing a future together may not be such an impossible dream...  Shepard, on the other hand, may not have had the chance to reach that same point yet. 

 

A few days ago, if their roles had been reversed and Shepard had been the one to tell him that he desired a relationship, Kaidan had to admit that he might have just sat there in complete shock, gapping.  He would have been basically wondering if his head hadn’t suffered more damage than it did, and he was now confusing his fantasies with reality.

 

“It feels right, doesn’t it?” he told Shepard with a gentle, caring smile, confirming that “you and me” was indeed what he had in mind.

 

“Be nice to have someone to turn to when things get grim.  Someone to live for.  Maybe love...” Shepard began to say...  Slowly coming to the realization that this really was what Kaidan was offering him...  And what it could mean for the both of them.

 

Kaidan chuckled a bit, his previous anxious state gradually giving way to giddiness.  “Someone?”

 

“You, Kaidan.” Shepard said, smiling back at him in wonder, his own heart now beating just as fast.  He could feel all the worry that he’d previously felt wash away, and the mask of control and professionalism that he’d gotten used to wearing with other people start to fall.  He’d always trusted Kaidan, with all his heart, but he’d never been entirely comfortable to show it.  Perhaps because he’d been afraid that the Major would find his attitude inappropriate, and that he would lose the other man’s respect if he allowed his true feelings to show.  Kaidan was a good officer, and one that tended to keep everything pretty close to the book.  He didn’t know what exactly had convinced him that they might be good together, as more than friends or brothers-in-arms, but he sure wasn’t going to waste that opportunity.  “Huh.  It does.  It does feel right.  After all this time...  You and me.  I like that.  A lot.”

 

Kaidan’s own smile only grew wider. “And that...  makes me so happy.  And there are benefits to that happiness.” he hinted seductively.

 

“Really?” Shepard flirted back, still trying to wrap his head around the fact that this was all really happening...

 

“Yes.  Really.” he knew he was playing coy, but he just couldn’t resist.

 

“What’d you call it?  A sanity check?”

 

“Hmmm.  Sanity check.”

 

The waitress chose that moment to arrive with their drinks and appetizers, and for a few minutes, they just sat there in companionable silence, eating and enjoying the view from the Presidium...  Despite the smoke rising here and there from the previous Cerberus attack, it still felt very peaceful, and beautiful.  Or maybe it was the fact that they were simply enjoying the moment together, Kaidan mused.  The setting itself didn’t matter much.

 

“So...” Shepard began.

 

“So?”

 

“How do we do this?”  At the confused expression that Kaidan sent him, it suddenly seemed like a good idea to clarify. “I mean, about the others...  Are you comfortable with the crew on the Normandy knowing about us being involved with each other...  Or...”

 

Kaidan couldn’t resist laughing.  Oh, if Shepard only knew.  “I don’t think that we would be able to keep it a secret even if we wished to.”

 

It was Shepard’s time to frown and look confused “What do you mean?”

 

“Turns out that Liara, Garrus, Joker, EDI, and probably a few others are very perceptive...”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, they might...  And I mean, **might**...  Have felt like it was a good idea to help me get over a few...  doubts I was having.”

 

“Such as...”

 

“You know...  the usual...  Will Shepard love me back?  Will I make a total ass of myself?  How would the crew react to me dating their commanding officer?  That sort of thing.” he explained, taking a draft from his beer.

 

Shepard laughed “But you have such a cute ass...”

 

Kaidan started chocking, prompting the other man to gently pat him on the back...

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yeah” *cough* “It’s just...” *cough* “That was unexpected...” he started to laugh, too “If you’re trying to make me blush, I think it’s working.”

 

“Doesn’t take you much...” Shepard replied with an amused smirk.

 

“Yeah, well I might need a few minutes to adjust to the change of pace.”

 

“I could try to go easy on you...” he offered.

 

“No, I’m good.  Flattered, actually.  I think I could get used to this.”

 

“Glad to hear it!”

 

“But as I was saying, the other guys seemed pretty uh...  Comfortable with the thought of us being together.”  Kaidan said, while Shepard smiled at him and reached across the table to take his hand in his.

 

“Good, because I really didn’t feel like having to hide it...”

 

It was such a simple, gentle gesture, but Kaidan felt his heart soar.  He didn’t think it possible to love this man anymore than he already did, but obviously he was wrong.  If such an innocent show of public affection had that effect on him, he couldn’t help but wonder how he would respond to further contact...  He smiled back and gave Shepard’s hand a little squeeze, then gently began caressing it with his fingers...

 

Their moment was interrupted by the waitress coming back with their main orders, and they had to disconnect in order for her to set the plates on the table.

 

“How about you Shepard, how are you holding up these days?” Kaidan asked, realizing that while Shepard had enquired about him earlier in the conversation, he had yet to return the favor.

 

Shepard sighed and closed his eyes for a few seconds, and only now did Kaidan notice how very tired he looked.  “You’re not the only one having trouble sleeping lately...  Though I suppose that with the war and everything else going on, it’s not really surprising...”

 

“Is this anything a concerned boyfriend should know about?” Kaidan offered compassionately, making the other man smile a bit.

 

“Remember when we left Earth...  The evacuation shuttles that got shot down by the Reapers, just in front of our eyes...”

 

Kaidan nodded, this vision was indeed one that he was still struggling with...  Leaving Earth that way had been extremely hard.

 

“Well, there was a little boy on one of these shuttles...  Couldn’t have been more than six or seven...  Before Anderson and I managed to make it to the Normandy, I found him hiding somewhere in the vents...  I tried to coax him out and offered to bring him to safety, but he refused, saying that I couldn’t help him...  That no one could...  Watching him die, I couldn’t help but believe that I should have gone into these vents after him...  But I let him go...”

 

“I guess that’s something I can relate to...” Kaidan said, remembering the guilt he’d felt following the destruction of the first Normandy, when he’d been the one to let Shepard go...

 

“Yeah, but there’s more to it.  I’ve been having these dreams...  They feel more like visions, really.  I’m surrounded by groups of people, though they appear only as shadows...  And I keep hearing the voices of the people and friends that I’ve lost...  But the only tangible person that I can try to follow and catch up to is that little boy.  And when I finally find him, the world around me starts burning...  And then I wake up...” Shepard explained quietly, and Kaidan noticed that his hands were shaking ever so slightly as he recalled his dreams.

 

Survivor’s guilt was something that he was pretty familiar with...  It had nearly taken him the two years that Shepard had been “gone” in order to recover from it.  He remembered having had these nightmares of watching Shepard disintegrate before his very eyes, while blaming him for his death.  In these dreams, he’d felt him going from corporal to dust, while he’d desperately tried to cling onto him.

 

He’d even had to take some dream suppressants for a while to try to help him get some sleep.  They’d been messing up with his reflexes and his biotics a bit, but since they weren’t in a full out war situation back then, it hadn’t been a huge issue.  And then, he’d pretty much gone back to feeling emotionally numb, and had remained that way until Shepard had come back.

 

Also, he’d been lucky enough that everything around him hadn’t been a reminder of what he’d lost, or could still loose, in relation to that specific event.

 

He couldn’t even tell Shepard not to worry about it and try to convince him that whatever they were,  his fears were unfounded.  Tell him that the danger was gone now, and that he could relax.  The term “post traumatic stress syndrome” implied that the trauma originating it was something of the past.  That it was now resolved...

 

But the “traumatic stress” that Shepard found himself under right now was still an ongoing thing.  And looking into his love’s eyes, it was clear that Shepard was fully aware of it.

 

“Have you tried talking to Dr. Chakwas about it?” he asked quietly.

 

“And tell her what?  Everyone in this galaxy seems to be expecting me to be the one to pull them through this war, and to stop the Reapers from consuming everything.  I still don’t fully understand how I managed to get myself into this position, but sometimes, I feel more like some symbol of hope than a person.  I can’t afford to be human...”

 

Kaidan frowned “That’s very dangerous thinking...”

 

Shepard let out a bitter laugh “Is it?  You’ve had your own command; you know what it feels like to have to make the tough calls.  But most people in this war are still fighting because they think that the ones protecting them are some invincible heroes with unshakable morals that will come up with some miraculous solution at the very last minute.  I can’t let them down...”

 

“As opposed to letting yourself down?” Kaidan asked, reaching back to take Shepard’s hand.  He was glad when Shepard didn’t try to remove it, but instead tightened his grasp, as if trying to draw strength from the simple contact.

 

“Sacrifice one to save the many...”

 

“Shepard...” Kaidan warned, his voice pained...  He really didn’t like where this was going...

 

“I know, and I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to worry you...  I guess I just needed someone to know...”

 

“And I am glad that you told me...” he replied sincerely.  Actually, the fact that Shepard trusted him enough to share these thoughts and feelings with him meant the world to him.  “But you’re no longer alone in this...  I seem to recall that there’s this guy with a really cute butt that now has a very personal interest in making sure that you make it through this war in one piece...”

 

Shepard chuckled a bit “So I’ve heard...  But you know that these types of commitments go both ways, right?”

 

“Well, I’m still drinking that horrible concoction that the doctor ordered me to keep taking for a few months...” he said with a small wince “And you can ask Chakwas, but I haven’t missed a single implant checkup with her.”

 

“Good to know.”

 

“Would having someone by your side while you’re sleeping help in keeping the nightmares at bay?” he offered helpfully, without realizing the full implications of what he’d just said.

 

“Well Major, so eager to secure your place in my quarters already?” Shepard replied, making Kaidan laugh.

 

“Oh, my stuff can stay in the observation deck...  All I want is the bed, seeing as I don’t have one.” he teased.

 

“We will definitely have to remedy that...” Shepard agreed.

 

He then spent a good part of their dinner telling Kaidan all about the things that he had missed while he’d been recovering in the hospital.  Curing the genophage and facing the mother of all thresher maws.  How his good friend Mordin had befriended the female krogan Bakara, then nicknamed “Eve”, and had ultimately sacrificed his own life in order to give the krogans a chance at a better future.  How she and Wrex had vowed not to squander the hope that Mordin had given them.

 

They both spoke about some of the dreams that they had managed to fulfil in their lives so far, and some of the things that they would still like to accomplish when the war was over.  All the while realizing that many of these projects, they could now happily share together.

 

Once their meal was over, Shepard announced that there were still a few articles that he needed to go buy before they left for the Perseus Veil on the next day, and suggested that Kaidan accompany him.

 

Unable to resist, Kaidan asked if he was planning on going to his “favorite store” first; teasing him on the fact that it had taken nearly 6 months for the clerks to notice that most of the stores on the Citadel had received the same endorsement, and to take his now infamous voice announcement down.  Some of them had still kept it nevertheless, claiming that it made their customers happy.

 

It was refreshing...  Being able to just chat, relax and go shopping with your partner...  Doing what most regular couples that usually weren’t engaged in an epic struggle against invading Reaper forces would do.  Well, besides the part about shopping for weapons and armors upgrades, he supposed.

 

Having the spectres requisition office glitch by saying “Welcome spectre Kaidan Shepard” as they both stepped into it at the same time threw them in a fit of laughter, and made them realize that they were both getting pretty tired.  Well that, and that it was probably a pretty rare occurrence to have two spectres trying to access their terminals at the same time.

 

Once they were done getting what they needed and making sure that there were no pressing matters in Citadel space that required their immediate attention, they made their way back to the Normandy.

 

As they stepped together into the elevator, Kaidan saw Shepard press the button to the first deck and wait for the door to close before taking both of his hands in his, preventing him from pressing the button to deck 3.  As their eyes met, he felt his heartbeat quicken and his breath catch in his chest.  Shepard was looking at him with so much tenderness and longing...  And yet, he also seemed so unsure, as if waiting for Kaidan to give him permission to take things further...

 

Trying to remember how to breathe, he offered him a gentle smile and a little nod; and, as they reached the first deck and the door opened, let Shepard lead him slowly towards the door of his cabin...

 

He felt like in a daze, as if walking underwater...  Neither of them noticed that the door to the cabin had both opened and closed on its own, being too lost in each other to really acknowledge their surroundings.  Eventually, Shepard encountered an obstacle as he backed up against his desk, knocking his laptop out of the way…  But Kaidan kept advancing, closing in the distance between them until Shepard’s hands let go of his own in order to wrap his arms around his lower back, pulling him closer, their pelvis now touching…  Kaidan gasped, all too aware of the intimate contact, and trying his best not to lose all self control right here and there.  He wanted to savor this, take it slow, and so he lovingly caressed the side of Shepard’s cheek with his right hand before letting it slide behind his neck, pulling him closer and into their very first kiss...

 

Time stood still…  In that moment, there were no longer any Reapers, nor war, nor horrors, nor people fighting or dying…  Nothing mattered anymore besides Shepard and himself, here and now, in this very moment.  The feel of his lips against his…  His tongue gently following his lead…  Roaming hands sliding beneath his shirt…  Alternating between caressing his stomach and his lower back…  Trying to reach for his butt cheeks but being hindered by the tightness of his waistband.  He heard Shepard grunt in annoyance and couldn’t help but chuckle a bit against his mouth…

 

Shepard began moving his hips from side to side, deliciously teasing him, as his mouth finally left his to go explore his shoulders…  His neck…  Unable to resist kissing and nipping every inch of flesh that he could manage to expose by pulling his shirt to the sides…  That’s it…  The clothes would definitely need to come off...  Soon.

 

_“Shepard, I have taken the liberty to lock the door of your personal quarters, if that is okay with you…”_

 

“Yes.” Shepard replied breathlessly, while Kaidan began gently suckling on his ear…

 

_“Also, would you like me to ask specialist Traynor to hold back any messages that aren’t a priority, and let key members of the crew know that you aren’t to be disturbed until further notice?”_

 

“Yes”

 

_“Very well.  Can I trust that you will be perfectly safe for the next few hours, and thus, that I can deactivate any audio or video feed from your cabin until you indicate otherwise?”_

 

“Yes, please…”

 

“If you keep saying “yes” to EDI like that, I might start getting jealous.” Kaidan said, making Shepard laugh.

 

“Shut up and kiss me, Major.”

 

“Aye aye.” he replied, once again capturing Shepard’s mouth with his.

 

_“EDI, out.”_

 

“Oh, and EDI…”

 

_“I know.  No peeking.”_

 

“Thanks.” Shepard replied, though he had to wonder if the AI would truly keep her promise.  However, the hungry look and mischievous smile that Kaidan was giving him soon captured his attention...  He felt something in the air around him shift as his lover activated his biotics and the familiar blue glowing aura surrounded him.

 

“What are you…”  Seconds later, his arms flew up in the air as their shirts were swiftly flown away from their bodies, and he suddenly found himself naked from the waist up, pressed against Kaidan’s very warm and muscular chest…  The energy from his charged up biotic powers enveloping them both and tickling him, leaving Shepard feeling oddly delighted...  As an entirely “normal” human, biotics had always fascinated and even thrilled him.

 

“Do you have any other tricks like that?” he asked, while holding Kaidan closer and enjoying the scent and the feel of his skin against his…

 

“I might…” he whispered back seductively, making him shiver.  He had to wonder if Kaidan had any idea just how very sexy and plain irresistible he looked right now…  And just how much he wanted him…  “But unless you want me to make love to you against that desk...  I suggest we make our way to the bed first...”

 

Considering that his knees had nearly buckled at the mention of making love...  This was probably a very good idea.  However, considering that neither of them felt inclined to sever the physical contact, walking while not looking at all at where they were going, too occupied with the kissing, caressing, tasting and touching, this ended up being quite a bit of a challenge.

 

Finally, they half landed, half collapsed on the bed, succumbing to their desire, love, and passion for one another...

 

And later that evening, as they fell asleep into each other’s arms, thoroughly spent, but happier than they’d ever remembered being...  They slept soundly, no dark visions or nightmares haunting Shepard’s dreams...  Only the peaceful, lingering feeling of being safe, protected, and loved in his lover’s embrace...

 

* * *

 

_“Shepard...”_

 

“Hmmm...” Shepard moaned, sleepily tightening his hold on the warm body in his arms...  Nuzzling the back of his neck.

 

**_“Shepard...”_ **

 

 **“Hmmm...”** he moaned again, sounding more irritated...  He could feel the warm body slowly turning around in his arms to face him, and plant a light kiss on his nose, as a hand began tracing undulating patterns up and down his chest...  This was rather pleasant...

 

**_“SHEPARD!”_ **

 

This, however, was not.  He’d better say something now, or he had a feeling the AI would end up sending someone in to rouse them.

 

“What’s up, EDI?” he asked, trying to hide the annoyance in his voice.

 

“I could ask you the same question...” he heard Kaidan whisper in his ear, making him chuckle.

 

“Shhh...  Trying to get rid of an annoying AI...” he answered back, apparently a bit louder than he’d intended to.

 

_“I heard that.  Is grumpiness upon awakening a common human trait?  I thought that was only Jeff.”_

 

He heard Kaidan try to stifle a laugh.

 

“Sorry EDI.” he replied, sitting up “You were saying?”

 

_“We’ll be reaching the Perseus Veil in about 4 hours, and Admiral Hackett has requested to speak to you on vid. com. before we meet with the Migrant Fleet’s Admirals.”_

 

“Wait, 4 hours...  What time is it?”  Shepard asked, completely shocked.

 

_“Passed 14 hundred.”_

 

“Are you serious?”  Beside him Kaidan was now making the whole bed shake as he kept laughing while trying not to be heard.  “Stop that...” Shepard said while giving him a slight slap on the shoulder.  Which, of course, only made it more difficult for the Major to get a hold of himself.

 

 _“Considering the recent disturbances in your sleep patterns, we thought that both of you could use a bit more rest, especially considering what lies ahead.  I estimated that 4 hours should be more than sufficient in order for you to get ready to meet with the Quarians Fleet’s representatives.”_ she explained.

 

“I...  Thank you EDI.”  This was actually very kind and considerate of her.  Or “we”...  He had to wonder how many people had been consulted on this.  Hopefully, she only meant she and Joker.

 

_“My pleasure.  I will restore the video feed of your quarters later at your command.  EDI, out.”_

 

“Well, someone sure seems to be enjoying himself...” Shepard said as he laid back down, facing Kaidan, who was still trying to recover from his laughing fit.

 

“Oh my god...  I’m so sorry Shepard, it’s just...  I can’t believe we slept in like that.  I feel like such a teenager!” he said, still feeling a bit giddy.

 

“Well, you sure had the stamina of one last night...” Shepard answered with a teasing smile...

 

“Are you complaining, Commander?”  Kaidan teased back, reaching underneath the other man’s shoulders to draw him closer to his chest as he rolled on his back.

 

“Definitely not...” Shepard replied, resting his head underneath Kaidan’s chin, and snuggling closer.  They stayed like this for a few minutes, simply enjoying each other’s presence, until something occurred to Kaidan.

 

“You realize that Joker is never going to let us live this one down, do you?”

 

Shepard laughed.  Though he suspected that his lover might be right, he realized that it was a pretty small price to pay considering how very happy he felt right now.

 

“I could always throw him out the airlock if it made you feel any better...” he offered, making Kaidan laugh back.

 

“Nah.  I’m good!” he said, kissing the top of Shepard’s head.

 

“On the bright side, I can’t remember the last time I slept so well...  Had I known before that all I needed to get rid of the nightmares was to have you in my bed...”

 

“...you would have come back to Huerta every night to sleep in that small hospital bed of mine?”

 

Considering that they had spent a grand total of one night on their own ever since Kaidan came back on the Normandy, this made way too much sense.  Shepard guessed that his brain probably hadn’t fully awakened yet.

 

“Good point!” he agreed, before looking at the time on his bedside clock.   “I guess I really should start to get ready though...”

 

“Yeah.  You really should...” Kaidan replied, while giving absolutely no indication that he was planning on releasing his hold on Shepard’s body...  Instead moving in for a kiss...

 

“Definitely...”  Leaning into the kiss, the Commander decided that EDI made a computational mistake...   3 hours should be more than sufficient.


	3. Chapter 3

****

**Hope and a Fighting Chance**

**Chapter 3...**

It turned out that Joker and Garrus had been right...  Perhaps all that Shepard really needed in order to beat the Reapers and save the galaxy was someone that loved him.  If the last few weeks were any indication, at least.  Simply put, the Commander was on a roll.  He had just killed another Reaper, ended the quarians v.s. geths conflict without having to sacrifice either side, and now, they even had Tali back.

 

According to EDI, Shepard’s biometrics showed a significant decrease in terms of stress levels, as well as an increase in his reflexes and his ability to achieve and maintain optimum levels of concentration.  He still had nightmares occasionally, but thankfully, they were now the exception instead of the norm.

 

If he’d ever had any fears about their relationship being a distraction, or interfering with their duty to the crew and their mission, they had also proved to be unfounded.  Shepard had always been very good at inspiring the trust and respect of the people serving under him, mainly because he also made a point of showing the same level of consideration, professionalism, and respect to his crew.  Duty hours were duty hours, both of them being strictly professional in their interactions and keeping their attention entirely focused on their objectives.

 

And Kaidan had to admit, they truly did work well together.  He was especially happy to notice that despite the fact that they were now romantically involved, Shepard still showed a complete trust in his abilities as a soldier, a Spectre, and an Alliance officer.

 

Shepard had even gotten mad at him once when Kaidan had raised the doubt that his nomination as a Spectre may not have really been earned, or even “valid”, considering that it was probably all part of Udina’s plans.  He’d reminded him that although Udina was the one that had suggested his nomination; the rest of the council had been the ones to vote on it.  They’d obviously believed that he had what it took to take on such responsibilities, and so did he.

 

Although Shepard admitted worrying about him sometimes, nicknaming him his “danger magnet”, he knew that Kaidan wasn’t reckless nor did he make a habit of overestimating his abilities.  The risks that he took were generally very calculated.  They kept each other safe, but also fought very hard to keep themselves safe; knowing that they were a team now and that what happened to one would inevitably affect the other.

 

Thankfully, the crew also seemed very accepting of their relationship, and it didn’t change their attitude towards them either.  Well, almost.  Kaidan had noticed that a few people had taken the habit of coming to see him and ask for his advice when there was some delicate matter that they needed to bring to the Commander’s attention.  The more sensitive the subject, or the bigger the “favor” they needed to ask, the more likely they were to push things a bit further and subtly try to suggest that **he** should be the one to speak to Shepard about it.

 

But otherwise, during duty hours, everything pretty much stayed the same.

 

Downtime, however...

 

_Hey, I'm so happy. That's all. How can the future be so unsure and so bright at the same time? Yours, Kaidan._

“I really do not understand how you appear to be gaining such pleasure from typing on these primitive devices.  Yet each time I’ve seen you use one, it seems you are smiling like an idiot.”

 

Looking up from his omnitool’s communication interface, he saw Javik observing him from across the table with what could be described as a mix of annoyance and puzzlement.  Although it was hard to tell, considering that the prothean always looked profoundly discouraged whenever he shared his oh so illuminating observations about this cycle’s many oddities with them.

 

“I doubt that it’s the device itself that’s making Kaidan smile, Javik.”  Liara pointed out.  She had insisted that it would do him some good to leave the cargo room, and join them for lunch.  Javik, however, didn’t look all too convinced.

 

“I see.  That would explain the spike in his pheromones levels...” he commented with his usual attitude of utter disinterest.

 

“Too much information...” James stated.

 

“Hey!  Do you mind?  Was there no such thing called “privacy” in your cycle?” Kaidan asked, somewhat annoyed that the prothean thought that his current state of mating readiness would make for some good public reading.

 

“We just had better control over the information that we wished to project.”

 

“When you think about it, it must’ve been useful.  Imagine being able to know right away the exact nature of someone else’s feelings for you...”  Garrus wondered.

 

“Sadly, I fear I won’t be of any assistance to you, seeing as your quarian’s suit blocks my readings.”

 

Joker couldn’t resist laughing “Oh...  This is too good...” he whispered to himself, while the turian looked positively mortified.

 

“What?  I never said...”

 

“You didn’t have to.” Javik stated.

 

“Okay, that’s it.  I’m with you on that whole “privacy” issue, Kaidan.” Garrus said, sitting back with his arms crossed, glaring at the prothean.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Javik just rolled his eyes...  All four of them.

 

“Considering that this ship already has ears and eyes, I’m surprised you are still under the illusion that privacy is something you can still maintain.”

 

Joker sighed, already starting to get tired of Mr. Chock-full of sunshine (as he liked to call him in private)’s attitude “Does it mean we are back on the “all AIs are evil” diatribe?”

 

“I’ve learned that it would be an utter waste of breath.  Despite fighting the Reapers, you people seem to have a complete lack of common sense and preservation instincts.  First, you put your faith into these thinking machines.  And then, at least three people sitting at this table are genuinely attracted to mates that they can’t even procreate with.”

 

“Well, at least the attraction is genuine...”  Kaidan said with a little smirk.

 

“Liara, you better start watching yourself...  I think Javik may have his sights on you.”  Joker teased.

 

“I most certainly do not!” the prothean answered, looking what Kaidan supposed was “offended”.

 

“Well, that’s easy for you to say when you know that no one else here can read you.” Garrus replied with the turian’s version of a self-satisfied smirk.

 

“Don’t **I** have any say in this?” Liara objected, the thought of having little asaris with Javik apparently no more appealing to her.

 

“Think about it, Liara.  What better way to preserve the protheans’ legacy than to ensure the transmission and conservation of their genetic material.”

 

“That isn’t quite how it works, Joker.” she said, frowning at him.

 

“So how exactly **does** it work?  I know that EDI’s been dying to know.”

 

“I already told you whether or not my “hair tentacles” moved, you’re on your own.”

 

“Spoilsport.”

 

James chuckled.  “I bet Javik is wondering why he still hasn’t given up on this cycle yet!”

 

“Your Commander has managed to get two Reapers killed since I joined the Normandy.”

 

“Fair point.” the lieutenant conceded.

 

“So, did I miss anything interesting?” Shepard asked, as Kaidan instinctively turned in his direction at the sound of his voice.  He set down his food tray on the table and gave him a quick peck on the lips before sitting down next to him.

 

“Apparently, Javik is worried that our cycle will go extinct because people like you and I, Commander, have forgotten how to breed.” Joker said, making the Commander laugh.

 

Kaidan smiled, simply happy to see Shepard relaxing, and enjoying himself.  Considering that he had informed them earlier that, whatever the asari councillor was expecting them to find on Thessia, it was probably going to be big and might even be the missing piece to their anti-Reapers super weapon; he was glad that Shepard was at the very least taking some time off before the beginning of their mission.

 

“And here I thought that after having helped cure the genophage, our contribution to repopulating the galaxy had been done.  Besides, I would make a terrible father...”

 

“Why’s that?”  Kaidan wondered.  Okay, so they’d never actually talked about whether or not either of them was interested in eventually adopting and raising children.  To tell the truth, with the war going on and so much being uncertain, this was pretty far down their list of priorities.  But he’d never known that Shepard was under the impression that he wouldn’t be a good parent.

 

“Are you kidding?  Before I finally found that aquarium VI, I kept forgetting to feed my fishes, and the poor little buggers kept dying on me.” he explained, looking a bit sheepish.

 

Kaidan couldn’t resist a smile.  The great Commander Shepard:  Captain of the Normandy.  The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel.  And slayer of the evil clown fishes.

 

“Oh, I don’t know Commander.  I’m sure that there was something very wrong with these fishes.  I tried going to your cabin in between missions to feed them, and I swear, they always ended up belly up within two weeks!” Joker said.

 

“Wait, so **you** went to Shepard’s cabin to feed them?”  Garrus asked, sounding surprised.

 

“Yeah.  I figured that he had more pressing matters to worry about, and since he told me he kept forgetting, I thought that it wouldn’t hurt to give him a hand...” the pilot replied.

 

Garrus laughed.  “See, I had the same wonderful idea.”

 

“Wait...  Shepard, to how many people did you complain about forgetting to feed the damn fishes?”

 

Shepard shrugged “I might have had a bad week at some point, and felt the need to vent...”

 

The turian opened the communication interface of his omnitool, and began punching in a number: “Tali, I have a question.” he spoke.

 

_“Anything for you, Garrus.”_ the quarian replied, her voice perhaps just a tad bit too honeyed.

 

“Well, I sure don’t need a pheromones reader to read this one.” James said, chuckling a bit.  Even Kaidan couldn’t resist smiling.

 

“I...  Uh...  Ahem.”  Garrus threw them all a look before quickly recovering. “We were wondering.  Did you, by any chance, help Shepard feed his fishes back in the Collectors days?”

 

_“How did you know?”_ Tali asked, surprised, while everyone at the table (minus “Prothy the prothean”) began laughing.

 

“Thanks, Tali.  I’ll explain later, I promise.”  Garrus told her, before closing his omnitool.

 

“Wow, no wonder the poor things kept dying.” Joker said.

 

“On second thought, maybe it’s better that none of you have any intention to procreate.  You have renewed my faith in natural selection.”  Javik stated.

 

Joker shrugged, still smiling.  “See, there’s always a silver lining.”

 

“Still, I’d expect you to be more focused on this war, and less on each other.”

 

“What can I say, we’re all doing this the turian way.”  Garrus supplied.

 

This, apparently, seemed to catch the prothean’s attention.  It was no secret that despite finding him odd at times, Javik actually respected the turian’s opinions.  The stronger your military background and your interest in war tactics, the more likely you were to be able to carry an actual conversation with him.

 

“Care to explain?”

 

“Turians understand that the best way for a soldier to be fully committed to the fight is to, ideally, have few regrets, and no unresolved issues.  If you’ve already attained a certain sense of closure in life, than you’ll be ready should the time come to make the necessary sacrifices.” the turian explained, while Javik seemed to give it some thoughts.

 

“I see...”

 

“Also, as cold as it may sound, from a strategic point of view, it’s a win-win scenario.  The strongest your connection to another, the more you have to loose, and the hardest you are going to fight to preserve it.  And should the worst come to pass, all that pain and rage will fuel your resolve and your need for retribution.”

 

“Then we may not all be so different, after all.” Javik replied quietly, his voice almost pained.  And Kaidan realized that while the prothean came off as severe and often insensitive towards other people; his warnings and reflections may simply be a way for him to try to protect them all from making the same mistakes he’d been forced to witness in the past.  It was easy to forget what Javik had been through, if any of them could even begin to comprehend it.

 

Kaidan had to wonder how well he would personally be coping if he’d suddenly awakened from a 50 000 years slumber, only to learn that the Reapers had succeeded in destroying all that he’d ever cared about and fought for, and that he was now the very last human in existence.  How easily would he manage to adapt to such a strange world, both familiar and alien, where even little things that he had come to take from granted, such as the means to communicate with others, were completely different?

 

No one there to truly have any intimate understanding of who he was...  No one else sharing the same values and culture.  Surrounded by people both curious about, and probably fearful of him.

 

After having lost so much, would he be trying to make new friends?  Or would he simply try to stop himself from becoming crazy by erecting some protective emotional barriers between these new people and himself, focussing on avenging what was lost and preventing any other cycle from having to live through the same pain he’d have to endure instead.

 

Javik was probably the strongest of them all, and had likely been a very open and caring individual, once.  By fighting alongside them as he did, he was actually proving that he still was.  They could hardly ask for more.

 

Judging by the silence that had followed his last comment, it seemed that he wasn’t the only one to have reached that same conclusion.

 

_“Shepard, we are one jump away from the Parnitha system, en route to Thessia.”_   EDI announced through the com. system.

 

“Alright, Joker, I guess that’s your cue.”

 

“Aye aye Commander.”

 

“Everyone else, break’s over, time to get ready.”

 

* * *

 

The mission on Thessia... hadn’t gone quite according to plans.  As far as Kaidan was concerned, they had done the best they could under the circumstances, but sadly, it hadn’t been enough to succeed in saving the planet.

 

An entire home planet lost, crucial information about the Catalyst stolen by Cerberus, and Liara...  The “young” asari had just witnessed the fall of her civilisation.  The general mood on the Normandy was extremely heavy, and Shepard seemed to be running left and right, trying to do some damage control, working hard to keep everyone together.

 

Thanks to Traynor, they still had a lead on Kai Leng’s whereabouts, and were now headed towards Sanctuary on the colony of Horizon.  Of course it had to be Horizon, where else?  Might as well add to the angst and revisit old memories.

 

_“Kaidan, I am sorry to bother you, but I’ve been wondering...  When was the last time that you personally interacted with Shepard?”_

 

“A few hours ago when he came to see how everyone down in engineering was holding up, why?”

 

_“He and Jeff had a bit of an argument earlier.  He seems to be taking what happened during the last mission...  not well.  He has locked himself in his cabin, and won’t answer to my calls.  I don’t expect him to be in any real danger, however, his biometrics now show a fairly high level of distress.”_

 

“Thanks EDI, I’m on it...” he answered, immediately making his way to the elevator, cursing himself for not having been more attentive to how Shepard must have been feeling when he saw him earlier.

 

_“Oh no...”_

 

“What’s wrong, EDI?” he asked, concerned.

 

_“Your stress levels now almost mirror his.  I didn’t mean to cause any of you more grief...”_

 

Despite everything, he couldn’t help but laugh a bit “That’s called the worried boyfriend syndrome, EDI.  Don’t worry, everything’s going to be fine.  You did the right thing.”

 

_“I...  Thank you...  I will give you two some privacy, but please don’t be afraid to call if you need anything.”_

 

He smiled “Thanks EDI, I’ll do that.”

 

_“EDI, out.”_

Coming out of the elevator, Kaidan decided to try knocking on the door first.  Although Shepard had made it pretty clear that these were now to be his “unofficial” sleeping quarters, and that he was welcome to come in pretty much at any time, he still felt that it was important for Shepard to have a little piece of space in the galaxy that he could still control, despite all the madness.

 

“Shepard, it’s me.  I know you’re there...  I’m coming in, alright?” he asked, frowning a bit when he received no answer.  Under normal circumstances, he would have respected his lover’s need for privacy...  However, considering what they had just gone through, Kaidan had no intentions of letting Shepard shut him out.

 

Entering the code to unlock the door, he quietly stepped into the Commander’s quarters and, not seeing him anywhere near his office, slowly made his way towards the lounging / sleeping area.

 

He found Shepard sitting on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees and his head in his hands.  He looked a bit like Kaidan did when he had one of his worst migraines...

 

“Shepard?” he called quietly, but Shepard only kept looking at the floor, ignoring him.

 

Kaidan sat down next to him and tried to put a comforting hand on his shoulder, only to have him immediately shrug it off.

 

“Please don’t do that...” Kaidan said gently, swallowing the lump in his throat and trying not to let Shepard’s reaction sting.  This wasn’t about him and his own fears of rejection right now...  It was about Shepard, and trying to help him overcome whatever was troubling him.  “If you don’t want me to touch you, that’s fine.  But I’m not going anywhere, so you might as well talk to me.”

 

He heard Shepard sigh, and could see that his shoulders were shaking a bit.  He wanted nothing more than to grab the other man and draw him into his arms...  Try to protect and shelter him from any pain he was feeling, but he resisted the temptation.  Instead, he just stayed there, within reach; ready to be whatever his lover needed him to be.

 

Eventually, Shepard straightened up a little and removed his head from his hands, looking up at Kaidan with reddened, lost looking eyes.  His face was dry, but he looked about ready to either collapse or explode from the pressure within.

 

“Five billion people...” he began in a broken voice.

 

“Shepard...”

 

“We’ve just lost a planet of over five billion people...” he stated, visibly distraught.

 

“I know.” Kaidan answered, the enormity of the situation not lost on him either.

 

“I promised these people that I would save them...  Told them that if they could hold on for just a little while longer...  buy us some time...  we could do this and save their planet...”

 

“Shepard, you did everything you could...” Kaidan began, only to be interrupted by a very angry Shepard.

 

“IT WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH!”

 

“Shepard...”

 

“Once again, I let my guards down and forgot what Cerberus was truly capable of.  And now, an entire homeworld...  a whole civilisation...  is lost because of my mistake!”

 

Kaidan frowned...  Was he really suggesting...

 

“Is that what this is all about?  You underestimating Cerberus?”

 

“Perhaps you’re the one who’s been right all along...  And I’ve always just been the Illusive Man’s puppet.”  Shepard said, his voice filled with disgust.

 

_For all I know you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself._

 

He knew how unfair and cruel his words had been, no matter how confused he’d felt back then.  But Shepard had always showed confidence in who he truly was, no matter who was doubting him...  To see him lose faith in himself, and turn these words against him caught Kaidan off guard, and made his own temper flare up.

 

“Okay, **that’s it**!  I’m going to assume that it’s the shock of what’s happened that’s making you talk like that, because **THAT** is the most insane thing I’ve ever heard!”

 

Shepard’s gaze only grew colder “Weren’t you the one holding me at gunpoint not so long ago?  Didn’t seem so crazy back then, did it?  Perhaps you should have taken the shot...” he scoffed.

 

It felt like a slap across the face, but Kaidan took a deep breath, and simply held his lover’s gaze.  If he let his own pain and anger get the best of him, then he knew that the situation would simply escalate to the point where they would both end up saying things that would be near impossible to recover from.

 

Shepard seemed to be in a self-sabotaging mode...  Trying to snuff out the pain by cutting all emotional ties to the world.  He had to look pass the words to see the man lost and suffering inside...  Find a way to reach out to him...

 

“If I had, not only would I then have turned that same gun on myself; but the Council, the quarians, the geths, and countless others would be dead because you weren’t there to protect them...” he said in a very calm and soothing voice.

 

Shepard just kept blankly staring at him, but his eyes seemed a little bit less cold.

 

“I know you’re in pain, and scared and...  angry.  But turning all of it against yourself or trying to push me away won’t help...”

 

Shepard let his eyes drop to the floor and stayed quiet for a few seconds, until he finally whispered in a broken voice “I’m not even human anymore...  How can you even care for me?”

 

“I...” Kaidan began, and then stopped.  It occurred to him that mere words wouldn’t convince him.  He could tell the man he loved just how great and wonderful he was for hours, what he needed was to find a way for Shepard to “feel” it...  Believe it...  The realization needed to come from within.

 

“I need you to do something for me...  Just one thing...  And then, if that doesn’t convince you...  then I’ll go.”

 

“I’m not playing games, Kaidan” Shepard replied, sounding very tired, and wary.

 

Kaidan tentatively put a finger under Shepard’s chin, delicately lifting his head so that he could now look him in the eyes.  At first, the other man kept looking down, but eventually lifted his gaze to meet his.

 

“Neither am I.  But I believe that you owe me that much...” he said, offering him a tentative smile.

 

Shepard seemed to consider it for a few seconds, and then gave him a little nod.  Good.

 

“I want you to pretend that I was the one that the asari councillor spoke to, and put in charge of that mission.” he began, still holding Shepard’s chin and keeping his eyes on his, making sure that he had all of his attention.  “That I am the one that’s been warning galactic leaders about the Reapers threat for months, without receiving any support from them.  The one that’s been called delusional and misguided, while all these people wasted precious time they could have had getting more prepared for these attacks.  Imagine that I am the one that was put in charge of unifying the galaxy against a common threat, all the while also trying to gather resources to complete the Crucible, and strengthen our military forces.  Picture, if you will, that I’ve been charged to retrieve a relic that has been hidden by the asari government in order for their race’s technology to remain more advanced than other species...  A secret that, if it had been shared before Thessia came under attack, may already have given us the means to save it.  And now, on top of it all, imagine that Cerberus, through some incomprehensible and unforeseen bad luck, managed to make it pass both asaris and Reapers forces entirely undetected, used the element of surprise to overpower us, and managed to steal the only thing that could lead us to the Catalyst from us.  I am Kaidan Alenko, human Spectre, and these are all the expectations that have been thrown upon me ever since the world went to Hell.  What would you be telling me?” he asked, letting go of Shepard’s chin, but keeping his gaze intent.

 

“Kaidan, I...” Shepard began, letting his head drop and going back to staring at the floor.

 

“No.  What would you say to me?” he asked again, this time delicately putting his hands on either side of Shepard’s face and lifting his head towards him, locking it into place, forcing him to maintain eye contact.  He wasn’t letting that one go...  He wasn’t letting him go.

 

Shepard sighed, all traces of his previous anger gone.  Now he only looked tired...  defeated, almost.  He didn’t even have any energy left to resist...

 

“I would tell you that...” he drew in a shaky breath “you did the best you could...  And that, the odds of succeeding were already pretty desperate at best...”

 

Kaidan nodded slowly, fighting hard to keep it all together, relief washing over him as Shepard finally began opening up to him, instead of fighting back...  “Go on...”

 

“I’d tell you that, given the resources and support you’ve been offered thus far...  What you’ve already managed to accomplish exceeds expectations...”  Shepard voice and body was shaking, and his eyes were welling up.

 

Kaidan found himself both profoundly moved, and mesmerized...  He’d never known a man to have more compassion and faith in people than Shepard.  No matter what, his lover always found the right things to say to help people overcome their own difficulties and limitations, to alleviate other people’s sadness and guilt.

 

But as understanding towards others as Shepard was, it seemed that the man had never learned to be as compassionate and understanding towards himself.  Shepard was a survivor, first and foremost.  He’d grown up among street gangs back on Earth, and then had been the only one to make it out in once piece on Akuze.  Going “easy” on himself was probably never something he had been taught to do.

 

It occurred to Kaidan that, although indirectly, this might be the very first time that anyone had ever asked Shepard to turn that empathetic voice on himself.

 

As Shepard looked down, trying to hide the tears that were threatening to fall, and his perceived weakness, Kaidan delicately let go this time.  Shepard was confronting and acknowledging his feelings, and working through them instead of trying to self-destruct.  He’d been brought to the point that he’d wanted him to reach, and that was enough.

 

“I’d remind you that...  that you’re only human, and...  and though you’re trained to expect the unexpected, there are always circumstances that can and probably will escape your control...  You have to learn to work with them...  and learn...  and...”

 

When Shepard looked back up, he was no longer holding back his tears or trying to stay in control.  The way he was looking at Kaidan now, completely stripped of all emotional walls, his gaze so open and trusting, was threatening to make Kaidan’s own emotional control slip...  “And I’d tell you just how very beautiful you are to me...  And just how much I love you and need you right now.”

 

That just did it.  Kaidan’s lips crashed onto his in a kiss that was both passionate and desperate, as he felt himself completely come undone in the other man’s arms.  For a few minutes they just held onto each other, crying quietly, drawing as much strength and comfort from the mutual contact as they could, releasing all the pain, tension, and turmoil they’d both felt from recent events.

 

Eventually, the tears began to slow, the trembling began to stop, and Kaidan was able to find his voice again.  “I love you too...  So much...” he said, his voice still catching a bit in his throat “And just so you know, I could never have pulled that trigger...  I’d have let you kill me long before things ever got that far.”

 

“I know, and I’m so sorry.  You didn’t deserve what I said...  I was just...”

 

“In pain, I know.” Kaidan said, sitting up a bit so that he could now look at him.  “Considering all the harsh words that I’ve said to you both on Horizon and on Mars, it would be unfair of me to hold it against you.  If you can forgive me, so do I”.

 

Shepard nodded, then smiled a bit “Good to know you’re not ready to give up on me yet.” he answered, wiping the last tears from his eyes with the back of his hand.

 

“Never.” Kaidan said, smiling back. “Now that I’ve got you, I’m never letting you go.  And you know just how very stubborn I can be.”

 

Shepard chuckled a bit “Yeah.”

 

“I’m here for you, Shepard.  Whatever you need.”

 

His lover seemed to take a few seconds to consider his words, let them sink in.  Whatever happened, they were in this together now.  No matter how bad things got, he knew that as long as Kaidan still had an ounce of life in him, he would never let him down...  He would never have to face any of this alone.  That thought gave him strength...  Made him believe that as long as they were together, they could still win this.  They would succeed in retrieving the information they needed from the Illusive Man...  And they would succeed in stopping the Reapers from completing their work on this cycle.  What had happened on Thessia had been a major setback, but they were not done yet.

 

“For now, just hold me...” Shepard said quietly, settling himself comfortably in Kaidan’s arms, so that his head was resting on his chest, just above his heart.  He felt his lover pull him a bit closer, securely holding him in place, before kissing the top of his forehead and resting his own head on top of his.

 

Lulled by the peaceful sound of Kaidan’s heartbeat, and exhausted, Shepard eventually fell asleep.  Careful not to awaken him, Kaidan managed to carry him back to his bed, and carefully undressed him, before tucking him under the covers.  Once he was done, he took off his own clothes and settled in next to his lover, gingerly holding him in his arms, and watching the hypnotic rise and fall of his chest.

 

“I’ll always be with you...  No matter what...” he whispered softly, before finally joining Shepard in a peaceful, dreamless sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

****

**Hope and a Fighting Chance**

**Chapter 4...**

 

“Can you feel it Shepard?  Feel the quickening?  Illusive Man better say his prayers tonight, ‘cause we are coming for him.  Murderous asshole.  Oh yeah...  Tide is turning...  I feel it.”

 

They had been confronted to many atrocities over the last few years, but this?  He didn’t know how Shepard had managed it...  Calmly convincing Henry Lawson to hand Oriana over to them in exchange for his life.  Perhaps because deep down, he knew that Miranda was going to take a stand against her father and put an end to his horrible schemes, once and for all.  If she hadn’t, Kaidan probably would have been the one giving him a little “biotic push” in the right direction.  Which was down...  **Way** down...

 

The thought of taking another person’s life had never been one to make him feel any sense of satisfaction...  Until now...

 

“After what I saw down there...  I have never been more filled with rage.”

 

All of these people...  Turians, asaris, and humans, mostly.  All of them seeking a haven from the war; all of them having been promised safety and shelter while awaiting the passing of the storm...  Refugees looking to escape the fear and horror, only to be transformed into what they all feared the most by those that had sworn to protect them.  How could anyone take people’s hope, and pervert it into...  into **this**...

 

“Sanctuary...” he scoffed  “Illusive Man’s obviously crazy, but...  Bring him on.  Cases like this, I don’t mind killing crazy.”

 

Crazy, indoctrinated even...  Did it really matter?  Kaidan was only just starting to learn how to deal with shades of gray...  Understand that people made what could appear to be questionable choices for the greater good.  Good people, great scientists had joined with Cerberus despite its shady reputation because they truly believed that what they were doing would end up ultimately helping others.

 

Jacob, Miranda, even Joker all chose to join up with the organization at some point because they thought they could make a difference.  And Cerberus hadn’t changed who they were.  It hadn’t changed who Shepard was.

 

But what the Illusive Man had done...  That, he couldn’t manage to cope with...  Couldn’t find it in himself to forgive.  Perhaps he didn’t need to.  All that truly mattered to him right now was that the Illusive Man needed to be stopped...  And if he was indeed indoctrinated, then killing the bastard would end up liberating him from it as well, no matter what satisfaction he’d personally be getting from it.  His need to avenge the victims simply screamed louder than his ability to feel compassion for the crazy guy right now.  But the end result still remained the same.

 

Wait...  Why was Shepard looking at him with that little smile?

 

“What?” he asked, uncrossing his arms and trying to figure out why his lover seemed so pleased all of a sudden.

 

“I know the situation is serious, and I’m going to sound terribly inappropriate but...  God, you’re ridiculously sexy when you’re looking so angry and dangerous.”

 

Kaidan’s biotics suddenly activated as he pounced on Shepard, roughly grabbing him and spinning him around so quickly that his breath was knocked out of him as his back hit the observation deck’s window with a loud thud, both of his wrists being held over his head in a solid grasp by his lover, Kaidan’s face inches from his own to the point where he could feel his breath tickle his lips.  One of his legs had slid between his own, and his hip was pressed almost painfully against his, keeping him immobilized.

 

Panting loudly and recovering from the surprise assault, Shepard lifted his gaze to look into Kaidan’s eyes, now glowing with that deep blue energy that gave him a bewitching, otherworldly look.  One could forget in that moment that he was merely human, and not some great, powerful, avenging angel...  And the way that Kaidan was looking back at him right now...  With so much hunger and passion...   He was actually glad that he was being so solidly held into place because he might have just slid down to the floor otherwise.

 

“Is that dangerous enough for you?”  Kaidan whispered hoarsely.

 

Shepard answered him with a fierce kiss, trying to free his hands, but to no avail...  Wait, was Kaidan actually using partial stasis on him?

 

However, they soon found themselves distracted by the sound of the door locking.  Looking up, Shepard also noticed that the light from the surveillance cameras had gone dark.

 

“Really?” he asked, chuckling against Kaidan’s mouth.  “A bit of tongue action, and EDI now immediately lock us up, and turns off the cameras?”

 

“I guess she figured she’d better be safe than sorry.  Things have been...  getting pretty tense around here, lately.”

 

“I’ll say.” Shepard commented, looking down suggestively. 

 

“Not quite what I meant but yeah...  Definitely...”   Kaidan said, leaning in for another kiss while teasingly increasing the pressure of his thigh still resting between Shepard’s legs, eliciting a small gasp from his love.

 

“You know, as tempting as it would be to say “The Hell with the galaxy!” and take some comfort in you right now, I’ve really got some work to do before this evening is over...” he stated half-heartily, trying to remain standing while Kaidan gently released his wrists and took a step back, allowing him some room to recover.

 

“Might need to wait a minute or two before getting out of here though...” Shepard said, not quite sure how appropriate it would be to walk around the ship “saluting” the crew.  “You know, this is when I begin to lament the lack of a private shower in this room...  I could use a cold one right now.”

 

“Yeah...” Kaidan agreed, equally flustered.  “Cold showers, calculus, collectors, rachnis...  Councilor Valern.”

 

“Ewww...”

 

“Is it helping?”

 

“It would if you did not look so damn cute saying it!” Shepard replied, laughing.

 

“Want me to turn around instead?”  Kaidan offered helpfully.

 

“And let me enjoy the view from behind?”

 

“You know, **you** are really not helping **at all** right now.”  Kaidan said, chuckling a bit, while moving towards one of the couches and sitting down, looking at the stars through the bay window.  “Here, have a seat.” he said, motioning to the spot right beside him.

 

Shepard resisted the urge to sit on his laps instead, but decided that if he wanted to get any actual work done, and hopefully soon, he’d better behave.  Instead, he sat down next to his love, and let him wrap an arm across his shoulders, resting his head in the crook of his neck.

 

Looking at the vastness of space...  So many stars and so many worlds surrounded by a peaceful silence, except for the sound of the Normandy’s engine and systems, it was hard to believe that they actually were at war...  That while he was enjoying this moment, safely held into the arms of the man he loved, the man he’d gladly give anything for the chance to stay by his side, people out there were facing a danger like no other.  And yet, he’d seen it...  Fought it first hand...  If he hadn’t, it would be so easy to forget.

 

“From here, it doesn’t seem like the world is ending...” he commented quietly, snuggling a bit closer.

 

“No, pretty damn peaceful.  Seems...  pretty damn perfect, right here.”  Kaidan said, as Shepard noticed that he was lovingly gazing down at him.  He straightened a bit to kiss Kaidan’s nose, making him smile, and then went back to looking at the stars.

 

“Is there a lot you’ve got left to do?” he heard Kaidan ask, before feeling him kiss the top of his head, and run soothing patterns with his hand down his back...  God he loved when he did that.

 

“I just need to check up on the rest of the crew...  Make sure everyone is doing okay, and we’re all ready for the assault on Cerberus.  Hackett has warned me that once we do, it’s going to be straight back to Earth after that, since we won’t be able to conceal our fleets or the Crucible from the Reapers any longer.  There’s also a few loose ends that I need to tie up.”

 

Kaidan nodded, they all had a few of those...  Both on a personal, and a professional level.  He still needed to coordinate with his students, at least those that were going to come join them on Earth.  Answer to any last minute questions or advices they might need to ask him, make sure that they were ready and knew exactly what their orders were...  That they would have someone strong and responsible to lead them into battle in case he was needed elsewhere or...  not there.

 

He’d sent a message to his mother earlier, trying to comfort her, and remind her that he loved her...  He was still awaiting her answer and couldn’t help but imagine the worst.  That the Reapers had succeeded in getting to her too, somehow.  If she was still alive, he could only hope that she had people with her that were there to care for her, and support her. 

 

Her husband was missing, most likely he was presumed...  Even in his mind, it seemed Kaidan was unable to say the word.  And now, her only child was about to go back to Earth directly in the zone where the fighting was at its very worst.  That is, if he survived the direct assault on Cerberus headquarters first.

 

She’d always been strong...  Even now, he could picture her telling him to quit worrying about her, and to keep following his own path; make his own choices, no matter where they would lead him.  What was happening right now was his fight, and he knew that she understood.

 

But still, it hurt.  Not being able to tell her that everything would be okay...  And that they would see each other soon.

 

Last time they’d manage to communicate with each other, he’d had the chance to tell her about his relationship with Shepard, and she’d seemed very excited about it...  Happy that her son wasn’t alone in all of this, and somehow relieved that it was the great Commander Shepard, of all people, that was watching over him.  Yeah...  His mother would’ve...  **would** , Kaidan corrected himself...  love him.

 

As for contacting the rest of his friends...  Most of them were either on the Normandy with him right now, or serving in the Alliance elsewhere, most likely under Admiral Hackett.  He hadn’t kept many ties to his life before his BAaT training days, much less from the 5 years or so that followed.  Too many painful memories had been buried there, but he’d managed to make peace with most of it, in no small part thanks to Shepard.

 

While the Alliance tended to welcome biotics with open arms because of the obvious military advantages they offered...  Shepard’s fascination with his biotic abilities had gone much beyond their uses on a battlefield.  Since the very beginning, he had made it clear that he perceived them as being a part of who Kaidan was, and that he had the most utter trust in his abilities to control and use his powers.

 

When he powered them up, there was no fear or apprehension in Shepard’s eyes.  Only pure acceptance, and love...  There was no need to hold back, or feel any shame.  Looking back, there was very little left of that scared, heartbroken teenager that felt like he didn’t belong with the rest of the world.  And he owed a lot of that to him...

 

“Can I help you with anything you’ve got left?  Perhaps go see how a few of the crew members are doing?” he asked, wanting to make sure that Shepard would also have some time to relax before their next mission.

 

“Thanks, but I already sent Garrus to give Tali a hand in order to make sure that she keeps sliding her emergency induction port into the right hole...  Last thing we need is her running a fever because she wasn’t careful.” Shepard answered, making Kaidan do a serious double take.

 

“ **What?** ”

 

Shepard laughed, only now realizing how this may have sounded “She’s been drinking turian brandy through an opening in her helmet by using a straw, that she has dubbed as “Emeeergency induction port”...” he explained, doing his best impression of Tali’s drunken voice, making Kaidan chuckle.  “By the time I left the bar, she was starting to have some trouble aligning that straw with the slot in her helmet...  So I sent Garrus to help her, and make sure that she wouldn’t just end up taking off the helmet to save time.”

 

“Wait, so you sent in **Garrus** to make sure that she would keep her clothes on?  You must be starting to feel tired Commander, because I sure see a fly in that logic somewhere...”

 

Shepard laughed again “Now that you mention it, probably not the smartest plan.  Still, I’m pretty sure that Garrus would never try anything that might endanger the crew, especially not Tali.”

 

“Nothing like an impending death scenario to ensure people that stay reasonable.  Speaking of which...”

 

“Yeah, I know.  I really should get going if I’m hoping to actually get everything done and maybe catch some rest before we get to Anadius.” Shepard said, reluctantly detangling himself from Kaidan’s embrace, before making his way towards the exit.

 

“I’ll try to finish my own work, and come check on you later...  Let me know when you’re done.”  Kaidan said, kissing him goodbye at the door.

 

* * *

 

The evening passed much faster than Kaidan had expected...  Or perhaps he just hadn’t anticipated that his students were going to ask him so many questions, a great many of them of a personal instead of a tactical nature.  It was nothing inappropriate, however.  His kids were just curious about what he’d been up to since becoming a council Spectre, and what it was like being part of the Normandy’s crew.  They kept hearing a few tales and getting reports, but getting the chance to learn about what was really happening with Shepard’s team from someone that was actually a part of it seemed to be getting them all really excited.

 

And Kaidan needed them to keep getting excited...  To believe that anything was still possible, and that they truly had a chance to win this.  He needed them to build their confidence, and be at their very best when the time came to go kick the Reapers’ asses all the way back to Hell!  If some of his students were going to have to sacrifice their lives in the fight, he wanted them to do so believing that they had truly made the difference...  That all that had been lost and sacrificed since the Reapers had arrived hadn’t been in vain.  No matter what, he wanted them to be proud of themselves, of humanity, and of the galactic community.

 

So if they needed a few larger than life tales of heroes fighting for the fate of the galaxy to boaster their resolve and strengthen their morale, he was happy to oblige...  And even glamorize the whole thing a little bit.

 

However, it was getting pretty late, well passed 2 a.m. if his clock was to be trusted...  And he was starting to be completely beat!  He wondered if Shepard had managed to finish his own stuff, and was getting some rest right now...  He had yet to contact him, but knowing him, he could very well have fallen asleep sitting on the couch or working at his desk.

 

He also noticed that the ship seemed to be oddly silent right now.  Normally, people kept odd sleeping hours, and there was always a certain level of activity on the ship.  Stepping out of his quarters, he decided to go take a walk around some of the public sections of the Normandy...  Thinking that it would do him some good to stretch his legs a little bit, and perhaps get the chance to talk with a few people from the crew that he hadn’t gotten the chance to see since they’d come back from their last mission.  However, the Normandy seemed to be strangely deserted.

 

He thus came back to the crew deck and was about to go get something from his quarters, when he finally heard the sound of two people talking and laughing in the opposite direction.  As he got closer to the port observation deck, it seemed that the laugh and one of the voices belonged to Liara, and the other to...  Javik?

 

He knocked on the door, and heard a very cheerful “Come in!” from the asari.

 

“Oh, hello Kaidan!  Is everything alright?” Liara asked as he entered the room...  She looked positively thrilled.

 

“Yeah...  I heard you guys talking and...  Hope I’m not interrupting too much.”

 

“Not at all, Javik was just telling me some incredible tales about the time he used to be in command of his own ship...  Some of the things he and his crew did and have seen are simply amazing!”

 

Well, that sure explained why Liara was in such a good mood.  Even Javik seemed...  Relaxed.  He wouldn’t say that he was smiling, exactly...  Though if he was, it’d be hard to tell.  But there was something about the prothean that felt more open...  less... huh...  scornful.

 

“I didn’t know that you used to be a ship’s captain, Javik.” Kaidan said, motioning to the couch facing them, and waiting for Liara and Javik to give him a little nod before sitting there with them.

 

“Then your Commander truly is not one to share other people’s secrets.” Javik replied, waiting for Kaidan to get comfortable.

 

“I figured that since your cycle does seem to have a chance at defeating the Reapers, I might as well make sure that the tales of my own people, and the heroics and sacrifices of my crew be remembered...” he explained, his voice growing more sad “...I owe them that much.”

 

“I’m sure they appreciate that...” Kaidan said quietly, gaining a whole new appreciation of the soldier.  And also, a better understanding of why he seemed to bond faster with Shepard than anyone else on the ship, and felt the need to advise him so often.

 

50 000 years ago, Javik had been the one walking in Shepard’s shoes, so to speak.  The one trying to keep his own world from falling apart.  While his cycle hadn’t succeeded in defeating the Reapers, they had given them a chance to better face them.  He had to wonder if Javik’s need to point out how they were doing things differently was really a way to criticize them, or show them that their differences might actually allow them to win this.

 

“You really believe that we have a chance to succeed.” he asked, curious to know more about his opinion.

 

“It’s seems to be more and more possible.  And if you do, it will be in no small part because of you.”

 

Javik’s answer surprised Kaidan.  “Me?”

 

“The Commander, the crew...  But yes, I have a feeling that it’s you, especially.”

 

Alright, now he was downright confused “I don’t understand...”

 

“My people believed that some individuals are born to embody certain virtues...  They become exemplars, avatars for their people.” he explained...  And yes, Kaidan did remember him having told them about that... “Many of such avatars can be found on the Normandy.  Your Commander is an avatar of Hope among your people.  But Hope can’t survive without Faith.”

 

“Faith?”

 

“Faith, belief, conviction.  The very thing that keeps Hope alive, drives it forward, gives Hope a fighting chance to finally complete its journey and evolve into a state of Victory.  You are an exemplar of Faith, Major.  You’d give your life before you’d let the horrors of this war compromise your noble ideals, and destroy your very identity.  In many ways, you embody the very soul of this cycle.  And it’s that soul that Commander Shepard is fighting so hard to protect and preserve.  This is why a single man can be turned into such a formidable weapon against the machines.”

 

Kaidan was speechless.  Of all the things he’d expected Javik to say, this wasn’t what he’d imagined...  And the strangest thing was how much impact these words seemed to be having on him.  How much strength and courage could be gathered from simple words.  Did Javik really believe that, or did his perceptive abilities just made him incredibly adept at saying exactly what others truly needed to hear?  Perhaps the consort Sha’ira was part prothean...

 

But no, something in the way Javik was looking at him made him feel that he was being honest...  And Kaidan didn’t quite know how to respond.  He’d never felt comfortable being the center of attention or praises...  The whole ceremony they’d held to celebrate his nomination as a Spectre had made him feel very uncomfortable, yet he’d managed to play along because he knew how important happy celebrations were to people in times of war.

 

“I... Thank you Javik...  That...  uh...  Means a lot.” He finally managed to say, receiving a nod from the prothean.

 

“And what about Liara?” he asked, eager to shift the attention to someone else.

 

“Liara is Knowledge.  She is the guardian of secrets and traditions, the chronicler...  It is a very powerful if misunderstood avatar.  One that often comes with loneliness, yet also carries with it the gift of wisdom.  Protheans often believed that the ones guarding and telling the story had the ability and even the responsibility to shape the future, and to be the guides of their people...  Even when all of us are dead and gone, her contribution will still be what inspires future generations.”

 

By the end of his speech, Liara was blushing, and her eyes were glistening with restrained emotion.  “I...  Thank you...  I didn’t know...”

 

“That other people took notice of the work you did for us, and appreciated it?” Kaidan said, smiling warmly at her.

 

“I guess I always thought that it wasn’t all that important...  My fascination with history and civilisations has always been a personal quirk of mine...”

 

“And one that has an important role to play...  Or else I wouldn’t be entrusting you with my own memories...” Javik added, seemingly smiling at her.

 

“Thank you...  If I survive this, I promise you that I’ll make sure your people’s story gets told, Javik.” she answered gratefully.

 

“And that is all I can ask.” he said.

 

They stayed together in silence for a few minutes, contemplating what had just been said, until Javik spoke again.

 

“We will be arriving at Cerberus headquarters in a few hours.  Perhaps you should spend what remaining time you have with your Commander...”

 

Kaidan had to smile at the way that Javik had said “your” Commander.

 

“If I can manage to convince him to take a break from his work, that is.”

 

“If Commander Shepard isn’t prepared for the assault right now, then I fear he never will be.  But it’s always good to remind him what he’s fighting for.”

 

Kaidan nodded, and stood up, making his way to the bar and grabbing two glasses...

 

“You know, and I’m probably going to regret asking later but...  Do you guys have any idea where the crew went?  Is everyone else okay?”

 

“Do you want the official, or the actual version?” Javik asked.

 

“Huh...  official ?”  That sounded much safer, at least...

 

“Then I believe that Dr. Chakwas is giving Engineer Adams a complete medical examination in the medical bay; Garrus Vakarian is still helping Tali’Zorah recover from her previous intoxicated state; Engineers Daniels and Donnelly have locked the engineering deck in order not to be distracted as they complete a few last minute adjustments to the eezo core drive; Lieutenant Vega, Lieutenant Cortez, and Specialist Traynor have joined Diana Allers in her quarters for a group interview; and Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau is assisting EDI in testing the limits of her mobile platform’s adaptability to various infiltration scenarios...”  Javik explained.

 

Kaidan closed his eyes and ran his forearm across his forehead, trying to get rid of the disturbing mental images his brain had just conjured up.  “Yeah, I really shouldn’t have asked...”

 

“Everyone’s doing just fine, Kaidan.” Liara said, smiling at him.  “Now just go make sure that Shepard isn’t driving himself mad over last minute preparations.”

 

He smiled back at her “I will...  And Javik, I’m truly glad and honored that we have you fighting by our side.  And I sure hope that your faith in us isn’t misplaced.”

 

“Do not trouble yourself with thoughts of failure or success.  For even now, the Reapers will have failed to destroy this cycle’s very spirit.  The fact that so many races are willing to stand together against a common enemy proves it.  However, I do hope that you and your Commander will both emerge victorious from this war...  Or that, if you do not, fate will be kind enough to allow you to leave the battlefield as one.”

 

“Lest hope turns to vengeance...” Kaidan said, a quiet understanding passing between them.

 

“...or faith, to cold resolve.” Javik added, looking back at him intently.

 

Both of them had experienced loss on a very intimate level; although thankfully, in Kaidan’s case, Shepard’s return had reawakened the part of himself that was truly alive.  They both knew and understood what it felt like to be the one left standing after your whole world had collapsed...

 

And if Kaidan had to choose between dying by Shepard’s side, or surviving on his own, he already knew what option he would choose...  As terrible as it may have sounded, he also found himself wishing that Shepard be spared the same pain...

 

“Thank you Javik, and have a good night...  Both of you.”

 

“Thanks Kaidan, you too.” Liara replied, as Kaidan left to go grab the bottle of TM-88 Peruvian Whiskey that Shepard had offered him during his first visit back at the hospital.  Well, the first visit that Kaidan could actually remember, that is.  Since that gift had marked the start of them trying to actively reconnect with one another, it seemed appropriate that they drink it now together, on the eve of the first phase of a battle that would end up deciding their whole future...

 

Not to mention that it could also serve as the perfect excuse, should Shepard attempt to resist the distraction.  After all, Kaidan wasn’t the only one with the habit of being pretty stubborn.

 

When he finally made it to Shepard’s cabin, he almost bumped into him, datapad in hand.

 

“Can’t sleep either?” he asked, waiting to see if Shepard would keep walking out of his quarters and if he should follow or...

 

But he simply shook his head and replied “No.”, stepping a bit to the side to let Kaidan in.

 

“Making yourself crazy with this won’t help.” he said, making his way to the lounging area.

 

“Kaidan...  I need to...” Shepard tried to interrupt, though he still closed the door behind him.

 

“Shhh...  Just take five minutes.  A quick drink.  And then I’ll go.”  he said with a little shrug of the shoulders, trying to sound very casual about it...  But the little smile on Shepard’s lips and the soft look in his eyes told him that his lover wasn’t duped.  Still, he apparently chose to indulge him.

 

“Shepard, you know that you’ve done everything you could, right?” he asked as he poured them their drinks, waiting for Shepard to reach him.

 

“I hope so. I keep running the numbers to see if I’ve missed something.” he replied as Kaidan handed him his glass, looking pensive.  If it was up to him, Kaidan was under the impression that his lover would end up spending the whole night awake, compulsively making sure that no mistake was being made, although Shepard had probably already checked a few hundred times every single thing that he remotely had the competence to verify on this ship.

 

“You don’t have to take this all on yourself.  Look to your crew, to the talented people fighting by your side.” he reminded him, letting Shepard take the whiskey bottle from his hand and make his way towards his large L shaped couch.  “What you’ve accomplished since the Reapers arrived is...  this is nothing short of amazing.” he added sincerely, while they sat down facing each other, their knees almost touching.

 

Shepard didn’t say anything, but took a large draft of the whiskey, before setting the glass on the table.  He did look worried, but it was a far cry from that other time where he’d just sat there, head in hands, lost and broken.

 

“It’s...  It’s going to be...  It’s going to be what it is.” Kaidan said, trying to look for the right words...  The right way to express that no matter what would happen; it was out of his lover’s hands now.  Shepard had done everything he could.  Now, all they had left to do was to put their plans in motion, and fight.  On some level, thankfully, he believed that Shepard knew...

 

“What are you thinking about right now?”  Shepard asked, apparently willing to let go of that subject and bring the focus back on them instead.  Something for which Kaidan was grateful.

 

“The good times and the...  the hard times.” he began, realizing with a little laugh that they had almost succeeded in packing up a lifetime of adventures in the length of just three years.  “It’s been an unforgettable few years.  You were always so focused on the work back then.  The mission was everything.” he added, remembering what it had been like in that 1st year when he’d met Shepard, serving with him on the Normandy SR-1.  To be fair, Kaidan had been pretty focused on the mission himself, putting duty above any personal wants.

 

“It’s true.  I’ll never know what I missed.”  Shepard acknowledged  “You’re exactly what I need right now...  Kaidan.” he said, his arms moving around Kaidan’s waist and sliding under his shirt, delicately caressing the sensitive curve on his lower back.  No matter how many times he’d heard Shepard whisper his name like that...  With so much love and desire...  It still made his whole being shiver.

 

Kaidan’s left hand rose to delicately cup the side of his jaw, as his right hand went to support the back of his neck, slowly guiding him into a very loving and tender kiss.  He then rested his forehead against his, looking back in Shepard’s eyes a bit sheepishly while affectionately holding his chin.

 

“I lied.” he admitted “I didn’t come here for a quick drink.”

 

Shepard smiled back, his gaze both soft and amused, letting it be pretty clear that he’d already figured that much... and wasn’t particularly in any mood to object.  He gently pushed Kaidan back and positioned himself above him...  A loving and playful look on his face.

 

For the next few hours...  There was no war, no Reapers, no world ending...  No great problem needing to be solved, no duty waiting to be fulfilled, no responsibility weighting heavily on one’s shoulders...

 

These few hours belonged entirely to them...  And as they took comfort in one another, it felt as though nothing in the universe mattered more than this moment they shared.  A precious gift amidst the chaos...  The only thing that still felt purely solid and...  **real**.

 

Though by now, they had already been given the opportunity to explore every inch of each other’s bodies; their lovemaking felt remarkably familiar, yet entirely new...  As if they were rediscovering each other all over again, but without the usual jittery fear and anticipation of the first times.  Tonight, they felt perfectly at peace, entirely trusting, sharing their hearts, minds, and bodies without any doubts or restraints.

 

Just as they did on the battlefield, they moved as one...  Instinctively responding to each other’s actions and tuning in to their partner’s needs.

 

But while these brief waking hours had fully belonged to them, once they fell asleep, Shepard’s dreams still came.  And this time, it wasn’t only the setting around him that was burning, but himself.  He guessed that you could only seek to escape your worries and the world for so long.  Still, he was grateful...  Some spent their entire lives without ever finding someone to share it with.  Shepard had found love with the most beautiful, generous, and selfless man he had ever known.  Someone whose very existence he now felt irrevocably tied to.  Something that both thrilled and scared him, as he couldn’t shake the feeling that whatever would be required of him to give in the upcoming fight, Kaidan’s fate would inevitably be connected to his own.

 

But as much as he wished that he could protect him...  Send him away from all the danger and keep him safe, the truth was that he couldn’t imagine doing this on his own.  Kaidan’s gentle strength, understanding, love and support was what was still giving him the force to fight.  For better or for worse, he could no longer believe that he could make it on his own...

 

“What’s up?” Kaidan asked, still sounding a bit confused and sleepy, as he lazily stretched across the bed and allowed his eyes to adjust to the ambient light.  Shepard was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down, his back turned to him.

 

“Are we going to make it, Kaidan?” he asked.

 

Yes.  No.  Maybe.  I hope so.  Even if we don’t, I refuse to consider the thought of ever leaving you...

 

He wanted to find a way to comfort him, but they were passed the point where empty promises and false reassurances uttered in order to make one feel better could still have any effect on them.

 

Somehow, saying anything along the lines of “it’ll be alright” not only lacked sincerity, but seemed to make everything appear even worse.  It may have still worked back in the days when they were going after Saren, back when they didn’t yet fully grasp what they were truly going to be up against.  But now...

 

Kaidan sighed, sitting up a bit next to Shepard, and putting a comforting hand on his back.

 

“We’re ready...” he answered, knowing that it was the very best and honest answer that he could manage to offer under the circumstances.  “You’ve put the people together, the vision...  And what you’ve done, Shepard, is build hope.”

 

“I’m glad I inspire that in you, but sometimes...” Shepard whispered quietly, looking away briefly and wondering if, this time, “hope” was going to be anywhere enough to allow any of them to pull through...

 

But as he looked back at Kaidan, he once again felt something stir deep within him.  He could see that not only did this wonderful man love him with all his heart...  But more importantly, he believed in him, unconditionally.  Kaidan’s gaze upon him was steady, open, loving, and unafraid.  And if his lover sincerely had faith that they had a chance to do this...

 

“You’re right.” he said, lovingly caressing the side of Kaidan’s face, feeling him lean into his touch, before lazily trailing his hand across his chest.  “Give us hope and a fighting chance.  Hell, the Reapers better watch themselves.”

 

And he sealed that promise with a kiss.


	5. Chapter 5

****

**Hope and a Fighting Chance**

**Chapter 5...**

 

The Catalyst was the Citadel...  All of this time, it had been right under their noses...  And now, the Reapers had managed to snatch it away from them in order to bring it into Earth’s orbit, right within Reapers controlled territory.

 

Kaidan couldn’t exactly say that it came out as a complete surprise, though.  After all, throughout each cycle, it seemed that the Citadel had always played a key role...  Each new civilisation that had discovered it believing that the technology of the colossal deep-space station and mass relays had once belonged to some ancient sentient race that had then mysteriously vanished.

 

Fascinating how quick they were to trust that it was then perfectly safe to start inhabiting, and completely ignore the potential warning signs, including the enigmatic “keepers”.

 

But then again, finding out that you weren’t alone in the Universe was already a pretty big thing to process...  Learning that, on top of it all, you were being monitored by a race of giant sentient machines, waiting in the dark space for the right opportunity to come and harvest / destroy your own civilisation might be just a little too much for most people to accept.  Considering how long it had taken for the galactic community to finally start heeding Shepard’s warnings that the Reapers threat was very real and happening **now** , he guessed that pretty much proved it.

 

So getting passed Reapers forces and onto the Citadel, in order to open its arms and allow the Crucible to dock, was just one more challenge to add to an already near desperate and impossible plan.

 

At least, they’d managed to get to Earth in one piece, and even destroy the Reapers’ AA Hades canon after the initial team that should’ve been responsible for it had been taken down right next to their own shuttle...  It had been a close call...  Way too close...  Then again, “close calls” were starting to be pretty much the norm, lately.  Thinking about the ridiculous number of bullets and laser beams they’d successfully dodged over the last few years was likely to make anyone’s head explode.

 

Now, they were waiting at the Forward Operating Base for the rest of Hammer to assemble; although it appeared that all of those that had managed to make it to Earth and survive thus far had arrived.  The ground team was much smaller than they’d hoped, but they would have to make do.

 

Most of Kaidan’s special ops units had successfully joined with them, and it had been good to be reunited with his students.  Surprisingly, their morale was much higher than he’d expected, especially given the circumstances.  Most of these kids were almost itching for a fight, eager to put their talents and training to good use.  If any of them were aware of the precariousness of the situation, they weren’t showing it, focussing on what needed to be done instead.

 

As long as they didn’t actually start to underestimate the threat, or become reckless, he guessed that they were probably having the best attitude they could have right now.  Perhaps the stories he’d shared with them earlier, as well as Shepard’s team arrival on the base, had something to do with it.

 

It probably helped that the very first step of their final attack against Cerberus and the Reapers was being considered a success, too.  They hadn’t succeeded in capturing the Illusive Man, but it was pretty safe to say that Cerberus was no more.

 

The Cronos Station had been neutralised, all of Cerberus’ resources destroyed or recovered, and they’d even managed to defeat and kill Kai Leng, thus avenging Thane’s death.

 

Thane...  Another shade of grey that Kaidan had needed to come to terms with...

 

When he’d first been introduced to the drell, it was under the name of Tannor Nuara, a fellow patient at Huerta’s Memorial that was in the final stages of Kepral’s syndrome, and remained in the hospital because he needed daily medical care and supervision.

 

He was a very calm, soft spoken and deeply spiritual man.  Like Kaidan, he tended to keep more to himself, yet was very open and easy to talk to.

 

At first, the drell had approached Kaidan by telling him that since the days ended up being a bit long in the hospital, he enjoyed getting to know new people; especially if they were likely to be spending a few weeks there.  And to Kaidan, the company had soon become a welcomed distraction.  He’d even taught him a few deep meditation techniques that had ended up really helping with his migraines.

 

After a while, however, Kaidan had begun to have the feeling that there was more to this man than he was letting on...  Something was a bit off.

 

First, it seemed that Kaidan was the only one in the hospital that the drell had shown any interest to truly bond with.  He did receive visits from his son, but otherwise, he spent most of his days meditating, reading by himself, or doing a few gentle exercise routines, as directed by his doctors.

 

And then, it seemed that he always found a way to have something to do in close proximity of Kaidan’s room whenever it was announced that he was to have a visitor.  Especially Udina, for some reason...

 

When Kaidan had finally decided to confront him about it, “Tannor” had simply smiled, looking both amused and satisfied.  He’d congratulated him on his perspicacity and observational skills, and said “Perhaps this means that you’ve recovered enough to look after yourself now.”  He’d then proceeded to reveal his true identity to him.

 

His name was Thane Krios, a very skilled and deadly assassin that had been part of Shepard’s team back when he’d been working alongside Cerberus in order to stop the Collectors from abducting human colonies.

 

He’d remembered having seen the name and even read his file; however, since he’d never met with him or seen a picture, Kaidan hadn’t been able to make the connection between the two until then.

 

When he’d asked why Thane had felt the need to maintain the deception for so long, he had explained to Kaidan that it had been too important for him to make sure that he could remain in close proximity; and that, since he feared that the Major might feel uncomfortable associating with someone that used to work as an assassin, he just couldn’t have taken the risk.  According to him, ensuring Kaidan’s safety took precedence over the desire to maintain an absolutely honest contact.

 

He’d then learned that Thane had become very close friends with Shepard over the time they had been working together.  Upon having learned that Kaidan was someone that mattered greatly to the Commander, he had offered to keep a close watch on him during the time that he needed to recover in the hospital, in order to ensure that Cerberus wouldn’t succeed should they attempt to finish what they had started on Mars.

 

Considering that the best way to harm Shepard or weaken his morale was to go after those he cared about, that made Kaidan a very strong potential target for an assassination attempt.

 

Thane didn’t say, but looking back, Kaidan was under the impression that the drell already knew back then just how much they both really meant to each other, even if they hadn’t yet been ready to admit it to themselves.

 

And he was now proud to say that not only had he been able to accept Thane’s past and refrain himself from passing judgment; but he’d offered the other man to keep meeting together between medical treatments as they ‘d always had, and resume their friendship.  After all, Thane had been his guardian angel until then...  It only seemed fair to get to know him for who he truly was.

 

The news of Thane’s death following the coup on the Citadel had saddened him, but he’d found some comfort in knowing that he had been ready for it, and at peace with his life in the very end.  He was also very grateful that Shepard had managed to be by his side when he’d finally left his physical shell behind in order to begin his great journey across the sea.

 

Thane had traded the time he had left in order to save the salarian councillor’s life...   And in thanks, the salarian government had then fully committed their own fleets and scientists to Shepard.

 

He had died a hero, and his last sacrifice would most likely end up saving countless of lives.  At the very least, it had given them all a greater chance to succeed at what they were attempting to do now.

 

Even now, it felt as though Thane was still in the fight with them...  And the thought gave Kaidan strength...  Made him hope that, should he fall before the battle was through, part of himself, of what he’d managed to accomplish thus far, might still help others to keep on fighting.

 

In a way, it also made him feel that Ashley, Thane, Pressly, Jenkins, Shepard’s friend, Mordin, even that geth, Legion...  and perhaps his father, since they’d yet to find any trace of him...  were still here with them...  Somehow... 

 

Still, he couldn’t help but wish they were truly there...  That he’d be able to see and talk to them...

 

“Hey, Kaidan.”   he eventually heard Shepard call out to him.  He’d been listening to the audio feeds from different ground teams for a few minutes now, trying to learn anything useful, get a better sense of where everyone was at.

 

Kaidan quickly turned around to properly greet him. “Hey.  There you are.” he said, happy and relieved that Shepard had taken the time to come see him before heading towards the makeshift command center in order to coordinate with Anderson.

 

“You ready?”

 

“Absolutely.  For anything.  Bring it on.” he knew that he’d replied a bit too fast, and his voice lacked the usual conviction it normally carried...  But he guessed that with everything that was at stake right now, it was normal for either of them to feel a bit nervous.  Hopefully, Shepard wouldn’t take it as a bad sign, or start worrying...

 

If he’d noticed, Shepard didn’t feel the need to comment on it.  “And Biotics Division?  Your students?”

 

He couldn’t resist chuckling a little bit “More than ready.  Eager.  That’s youth for you.”  Most of his kids had yet to be confronted with loss on a very intimate level, thankfully.  And while Kaidan still felt the desire to fight and make a difference, it seemed that the whole concept of waging an epic war against dark space monsters didn’t appear to him as romantic or exciting as it would have, back in the days where he’d still been a young recruit.  He’d acquired a more realistic and mature perception of war and military conflicts in the years that he’d served in the Alliance.

 

“Guess we’re old soldiers, hey Shepard?”

 

“Yeah, I guess we are.” Shepard replied, his own voice sounding somewhat distant and tired.

 

“Brothers-in-arms...” Kaidan trailed, a bit pensive. “We know the score...” They’d both fought enough battles to know that sometimes, no matter how hard you fought, how trained you were, or how impressive your skills or willpower...  The truth was that no soldier was invincible.  They’d beaten the odds thus far, but anything could still happen...  As much as it tore him apart to even consider it, this...  right now...  might very well be the last time that they would ever get to really talk to each other...   “We know this is goodbye.”

 

Something inside Shepard seemed to stir as soon as he heard the words, and his gaze became very intense, defiant.  “When this is over, I’m going to be waiting for you.” he said, taking a few steps forward, his face now only a few inches from Kaidan’s, holding his gaze “You’d better show up.”

 

It wasn’t something that either of them could promise, and they both knew it.  But somehow, Kaidan wondered if Shepard hadn’t misinterpreted his words as meaning that he was giving up, and getting resigned to the fact that they most likely were going to die out there. 

 

“Don’t get me wrong.  I’m going to fight like Hell for the chance to hold you again.” he replied, making it very clear that he wasn’t ready to give up, either.  That he was going to do everything in his power to see them safely through this.

 

“But listen...  there’s...  things I want to say.” he added, still feeling the need to let Shepard know that whatever happened, deep down, he’d be okay...  He couldn’t bear the thought of ever leaving him, but it was a thought that he believed that he’d never be able to come to terms with, anyway.  So he didn’t even bother to try.  But otherwise, he’d be alright...  “Looking back...  I have a few regrets, but not many.  That’s pretty damn amazing, right?”  Actually, Kaidan had long understood that regrets made very little sense, since to regret something was to assume that you could have made a different decision in the past, despite the fact that you didn’t know any better back then.  Regrets, he didn’t really have...  But unfulfilled dreams and future projects that he’d hoped to be able to accomplish before his life was through, that, he still had a few...

 

“Messed up kid that I was, never would have dreamed of the life I’ve had.  And I owe a lot of that to you, you know.” Despite all the dangers and hardships they’d been confronted to, the last few months they had been together, especially, had been nothing short of amazing!

 

“It’s been quite a ride.”  Shepard agreed, lost in memories of his own.  Hopefully they were mostly good ones.

 

“It sure has.  But how are you doing?  Scared?” he asked quietly.

 

“Damn straight, I’m scared.” his lover admitted, fully aware of how much they both had to lose, now that they’d only jusr found each other.  “But that fear’s gonna keep me alive long enough to strike these bastards right through the heart.”

 

“Yeah.  Exactly.” Kaidan replied, barely above a whisper.  He noticed that Shepard seemed to be looking discretely over his shoulder and shifting a bit...  That probably meant that his students were watching the exchange, even if they were keeping a respectful distance.  “So...  take care. Major.” he said, before starting to walk away.

 

Kaidan instinctively reached out for him and delicately yet firmly grabbed both of his arms, bringing Shepard’s body back to his, while receiving absolutely no resistance from his lover.  He lifted his left hand to the back of his neck and gently guided his mouth towards his, while the other hand slid all the way down to Shepard’s wrist, bringing his hand to rest on his own waist.  As they kissed, feeling the man he loved completely give in and yield to his touch, thoroughly embracing him, Kaidan tried to keep himself entirely immersed in that moment.  Take comfort and strength in the love and the deep connection they shared...  Let himself believe that such a bond went much beyond life and death, and could never ever be lost, no matter what the future had in store for them.

 

“Stay safe.” he whispered in a chocked up voice, as they slowly pulled away...

 

For a moment, they just stood there, lost in each other’s gaze...  Apparently not quite ready for the moment to end...  until Kaidan finally managed to muster enough courage and willpower to bring them back to reality.

 

“Well, I should find the rest of my squad.” he said half-heartily, looking away.

 

“Yeah.” Shepard whispered, quietly leaving.

 

“You know, I’ve never been to London.” he added, though he knew that Shepard was already gone...  He just needed to think about something else, anything really, or else he felt like he would end up crumbling right there.

 

He also noticed that a few of his students were now looking at him, some of them with a little smile.  _Ah, great._   However, as he walked back to them, he received none of the teasing he’d expected, just genuine concern.

 

“Are you going to be okay, Major?” one of them asked, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.

 

“Yeah.  Saying goodbye’s always difficult, that’s all.” he replied quietly, slowly managing to pull himself together and be the leader that these kids expected him to be, and deserved.

 

“So...  If one of us would like to...  Uh...  Kiss another recruit right now, Sir...  Would that be considered a violation of the regulations or...” Chief Matthews began asking...  It took a moment for Kaidan to realize that the young man was being entirely serious, and blushing.

 

“You know what, that’s it!  From now on, let it be known that this squad is doing this the turian way:  no unfinished business, no regrets.  Go ahead, Chief.  Anyone complains, you say you were acting under Spectre authority.”

 

“Aye aye, Sir!” Matthews replied enthusiastically, while grabbing Ensign O’Reilly and passionately kissing her under a roar of cheers and applause from the rest of their squad.  Even Kaidan found himself smiling.

 

“So, I guess it’s safe to say that you won’t be joining us after your private debriefing with Admiral Anderson...” one of his other students said once the excitement had died down a little.

 

“Ultimately, that’s Commander Shepard’s call to make...” he began explaining, although in truth, Kaidan had absolutely no intention of letting Shepard order him away from the hot zone where he would most likely find himself fighting.  “...but if he needs me on his team, then yes, that’s where I’ll be.”

 

“Then I believe that I speak on behalf of all of your students, Sir, by wishing you good luck.  And thank you.  I don’t believe that any of us would have made it that far without your teaching, and support...  Wherever you end up fighting today, know that we will all do everything we can to make you proud in the upcoming battle.  And don’t worry, Lieutenant Jameson has been training for this, and is already used to being in charge of our Division.  We’ll be in good hands.”

 

Kaidan took a deep breath.  First saying goodbye to Shepard, and now this...  Was the galaxy really conspiring to make him lose focus and start crying...  Thankfully, he still had some emotional restraint left in him, but he was beginning to think that actually fighting the Reapers was going to be the easiest part of his day.

 

“I’m already proud of you all.” he began, trying to keep his voice as steady as he could.  “I look at you, and I see the very best that humanity has to offer...  It’s been both a pleasure and a privilege to have you under my command.” he said, offering them a military salute.

 

His students all responded with their own salute, and activated their biotics almost simultaneously, his whole squad now surrounded by the vibrant blue glow of their combined powers.

 

Kaidan smiled and joined them, his own biotics coming to life.

 

The fact that these kids showed such pride in who they were was, to him, probably one of Biotics Division’s greatest successes.

 

He couldn’t help but wonder if things would have been different for him if, instead of a bitter and abusive turian General, he’d been formally trained by someone that had actually cared about what he’d been going through back then.

 

Perhaps that is why Anderson had been so insisting that he took on the job...  Kaidan had not only survived BAaT, but he’d found a way to complete his training without external help, and had come back to the Alliance on his own terms afterwards.  He’d eventually embraced his abilities under circumstances that should probably have left him broken.

 

And he’d learned something in the process...  No matter how successful or strong he’d become, no human biotics should ever have to face all of this on their own.

 

Now, they no longer had to.  It was good to know that his faith in the Alliance hadn’t been misplaced...  And he was sincerely grateful that Admiral Anderson had given him the opportunity to be an active part of that project...  To witness and experience the change first hand.

 

It made him feel that, in the end, it all had been worth it.

 

“Battalion leaders, report to HQ.” came Anderson’s voice from his com. system.

 

“Jameson, you’re coming with me.  Everyone else, at ease, soldiers.  And get ready to go kick some Reapers’ asses.” he said, under a thunder of shouts and applause.  Yeah, his kids would do just fine...

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Anderson had explained to them the next phase of the mission: driving as many squads as they could right into the heart of Reapers territory, passing through no-man’s land, and reaching the conduit that would hopefully allow them to beam right onto the Citadel.

 

To do so, they would have to find a way to take out the Reapers destroyer guarding the beam itself.  And since that destroyer was emitting some sort of interference, they couldn’t bring in air support.  It was up to the ground team to find some way to bring it down.

 

And, of course, retreating was no longer an option...  So that meant that they would have to keep pushing forward no matter what, including the number of casualties they were taking.

 

Shepard was to be sent right where Reapers resistance was the heaviest, with the very clear order to support the tanks as best he could, yet find some way to stay alive, as Anderson needed him for the final push to the beam.

 

In short:  No pressure.

 

The Admiral had offered Shepard to take a few minutes to pick up his team, and issue last minutes orders to the rest of his squad.  As soon as he was sure that Anderson and the rest of the squad leaders were out of hearing range, Kaidan walked straight up to him.

 

“I’m coming with you.” he said in a hushed yet very firm tone, trying his best to make sure that the Commander understood that it wasn’t a request.

 

“Kaidan...”

 

“You heard Anderson, he needs you alive for the final push, and you know that I’m the one most likely to succeed in getting you there in one piece...” he begun argumenting, trying to quell the building terror that was now gripping him in the stomach...

 

“Kaidan...”

 

“The place will likely be crawling with marauders and other heavy armored creatures, and I’m the most efficient at getting passed their shields and armors...”

 

“Kaidan...”

 

“Plus, there’s absolutely no way that I’ll be able to focus on the fight and on keeping myself alive if I have no damn clue where you are...  or what’s happening...” okay, now that just sounded like pleading but...

 

“Kaidan...”

 

“Damnit, Shepard!  I don’t care how much risk we’ll be taking to get there!  I’m not ready to part ways with you unless we absolutely have to, and...”

 

“ **Kaidan!** ” Shepard again said, raising his voice just enough to finally get his attention.  That’s when the Major noticed that his lover was smiling at him with that amused and tender expression that he always had when he thought that the other man was being a bit silly.

 

“What?” he asked, blinking confusedly.

 

“You had me convinced at “I’m coming with you.”  Though I’d be lying if I said that you didn’t just offer me some very compelling arguments...”

 

Kaidan let out the breath that he didn’t know he’d been holding, and had to actually grip the edge of the nearby desk to prevent himself from wavering.  He’d lied, he wasn’t ready to say goodbye, not by a long shot.  For a few minutes there, it had been the destruction of the first Normandy all over again.  Being left behind, powerless to do anything but watch as Shepard helplessly drifted into space...

 

“You know, back on the Citadel, when I told you that I couldn’t imagine meeting the Reapers without you...  I meant it...  Every word...” his lover said, walking over to him and gently grabbing the back of his head, guiding Kaidan’s forehead to rest against his in a loving, comforting gesture, while soothingly running his gloved hand into his hair.  Kaidan closed his eyes and slowly began taking in deep breaths, fighting back the panic he’d felt earlier.

 

“You’re the best damn soldier I have on my team...  And I’m not ordering you back to the escape pods this time...” Shepard said, the strangled noise that Kaidan made at the mention of those pods telling him that he’d been right...  As much as he wished that he could keep his love safe, this was a fight that none of them could envision carrying on their own anymore; and any attempt to send Kaidan to “safety” would be the worst possible thing he could do to him...  “I need you too damn much...” he added hoarsely.

 

He felt Kaidan nod and saw him open his eyes, looking back into his.  “I need you, too.” he replied in a choked up voice.

 

“Good.  ‘cause we’re in this together...” he confirmed, smiling and taking a small step back to better take a look at him.  Kaidan still looked a little rattled, but he could see that now that he knew that he wouldn’t be forced to relive his worst fear, he was quickly regaining control over his emotions...  Ever the strong one...  “You better not let go.”

 

“Never.” he vowed, returning Shepard’s smile.

 

He then directed his attention towards EDI, more convinced than ever that he’d also made the right decision.  “EDI, I’ve asked Joker to come and pick you up as soon as he can safely break formation.  I want you to remain at FOB until you can rejoin the battle with Sword.”

 

EDI seemed to consider this, and then cocked her head to the side in a very “organic” manner, looking genuinely confused.  “I should be able to operate both the Normandy’s systems, and provide assistance to the ground squads through the use of this platform, Commander.”

 

“Actually, that’s the problem.  I’m not risking your attention being divided unless absolutely necessary.” Shepard explained “The SR-2 is the most advanced, fastest, and most powerful ship we’ve got.  We can’t lose it.  I need Joker to remain 100% alert and focus solely on supporting the airstrike teams, doing as much damage to the Reapers forces as he possibly can.  He’s our best pilot, but he’ll be a hell of a lot more efficient if you are physically up there with him; devoting nearly all of your processing power to helping him anticipate and respond to Reapers attack.”

 

Appearing to be satisfied with this reasoning, EDI nodded “Very well.  I will do all I can to assist...  And Shepard, thank you.”

 

The Commander nodded back, and then turned towards Garrus, Tali, and Liara.

 

“Garrus, Tali...  Long range, short range.  I’d like you two to try to assist a team responsible for diverting the Reapers attention away from the Hammer convoy.  Keep them occupied, and do some damage.”

 

“Aye aye, Commander.” the both replied in unison, and then shared an amused look.

 

“Liara, I’d like you to go with them and provide some biotics support, they’ll probably need it.”

 

The asari nodded, apparently satisfied with her own mission.  “Got it.”

 

“James, I believe that the guys back at Biotics Division could probably use a bit more firepower...  I saw you giving directives to a heavy squad of well armed soldiers earlier...  Think you could try to get your guys to coordinate with them?  Kaidan’s squad has been trained for high risk missions and I think that pairing them with a few heavy hitters might bring some positive results.  Also, try to keep these guys safe, without compromising the mission, of course.”

 

“Of course, Commander.” James replied, while Kaidan shot Shepard a grateful look.

 

“Javik, what do you say we go and make these Reapers rue the day that they dared bring the prothean’s Vengeance upon them?”

 

“I would be most pleased and honored, Commander.” Javik answered, going to stand by Kaidan’s side, acknowledging the Major with a little nod.  Kaidan returned it, actually glad that they would have such an experienced and dedicated warrior by their side.

 

“Alright, now that we’ve all got our assignments, I need you all to listen up...” Shepard said, getting ready for one of his (in)famous inspirational speeches.  Actually, if Kaidan remembered right, they were usually pretty good.  Not to mention that this time, everyone was acutely aware that this was likely to be the very last time that they all found themselves reunited together.

 

Even assuming that they got lucky and all managed to survive this, Tali would probably return to her home world to help rebuild...  And there were talks that Garrus might just decide to relocate there with her...  maybe even adopt a little geth (though that part was probably just them joking around).  Joker and EDI would probably keep serving the Alliance on the Normandy...  Especially considering that as long as EDI **was** “the Normandy”, you could pretty much bet that “the ship” would refuse to fly with anyone other than Joker at the helm.

 

If they managed to get the N7 program back and running, James would probably leave to go complete his training...  Liara might want to help the asari colonies and refugees get better organized, and contribute to the efforts of rebuilding their civilisation.  He didn’t know what Javik’s exact plans were, but he had a feeling that he would also be leaving them...

 

As for Shepard and himself...  They’d talked about many possibilities...  Beginning with taking a few weeks of well deserved vacations in about the most remote and quiet place they could possibly find.

 

But for now, they were still all in this fight together, and this was what mattered most.

 

“This war’s brought us pain and suffering and loss.  But it’s also brought us together...  As soldiers, allies, friends.  This bond that ties us together is something the Reapers will never understand.  It’s more powerful than any weapon, stronger than any ship.  It can’t be taken or destroyed.” Shepard began, echoing his own thoughts.  “The next few hours will decide the fate of everyone in the galaxy.  Every mother.  Every son.  Every unborn child.  They’re trusting you...  depending on you to win them their future.  A future free from the threat of the Reapers.  But take heart.  Look around you.  You’re not in this fight alone.  We face our enemy together.  And together, we will defeat them.”

 

Well, that was it then.  Everything had been said and done...  That left only one thing to do.  **Fight.**

 

“Now let’s move.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

What did they say about Murphy’s law again?  “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”

 

With the number of problems and setbacks they’d encountered since reaching Earth, Kaidan was starting to believe it.  Thankfully, they were still in the fight, but it seemed that it was always one complication after another.

 

They’d managed to make it to the destroyer and the two Thanix missile trucks that were left, only to discover that the missiles were basically useless because even EDI couldn’t manage to counter the conduit’s interference. They’d then needed to find a way to bait the giant Reaper **closer** to them and away from the interference field, while fending off hordes of husks, marauders, banshees, and brutes...  And, of course, avoiding getting hit by the Reapers’ giant laser beam.

 

Thankfully, their second try had been a success!  Especially considering that they no longer would’ve had any missiles left.

 

Then, when Anderson’s convoy had arrived to pick them up, the Admiral had a whole new set of bad news for them.  Hackett had just reported that several Sovereign-class Reapers, including Harbinger, had broken off from the battle with Sword and were headed their way.

 

Apparently Harbinger and Shepard had some kind history together, dating back to the Collectors days.  His understanding was that Harbinger had been in charge of the colonists’ abductions, and the whole “Human Reaper” project.  Shepard foiling his plans had apparently pissed him off.  Nothing like a giant pissed off Reaper coming to stop you with a vengeance.

 

Admiral Hackett had sent the word that the Crucible was on the move and to be protected by the remainder of their fleets at all costs.  He’d also ordered all available squadrons to try to delay the Reapers leaving the battle in order to buy Hammer more time.  They could only pray that it would be enough.

 

 “From here on in, it’s a straight shot to the beam.” Anderson instructed them from inside their transport.

 

 “A straight shot with Reapers trying to crush us along the way.” Major Coats felt the need to point out.  It sounded like the precariousness of their situation and the impossible odds were starting to get to him.

 

“We just need to get a handful of troops through.” Anderson replied...  And for a moment there, Kaidan really didn’t know if that was supposed to make them feel better, or worse.

 

“Only a handful, huh?” he said quietly, knowing full well what that meant.

 

“We knew this was going to be a gamble at best.”

 

That it was.  A “gamble”...  Or, more precisely, a giant morbid lottery where every time one’s number came up, it bought time for another to make it to the beam...  They’d need to spread out, do their best to ignore all the deaths and destruction happening around them, and push forward, no matter what.  In short, they were going to be throwing themselves right into the heart of a huge carnage.  And that was their very last chance to put a stop to all of this, and hopefully retake the galaxy.

 

Shepard stood up, the other passengers following his lead, as he looked upon them all with restrained emotion.

 

“Can’t think of anyone else I’d rather do this with.” he said, letting his gaze linger on Kaidan at the end of his sentence.

 

“Nobody’s doing this alone.”  Kaidan answered, holding Shepard’s gaze as steadily as he could.

 

Shepard nodded.  If they were going to have to fight through Hell to get there, at least they’d be doing this together.

 

 “We’re in sight of the target.”  Coats said, having received confirmation of their location on his ear piece.

 

 “Alright, everyone.  This is it.” Anderson confirmed, before they felt a shock to the front of the vehicle, propelling Shepard forward and right into Kaidan’s arms, who barely managed to maintain his own footing.

 

They both tightened their grip on each other for a second, gathering strength from the brief contact, before letting go of the embrace and rushing to the door.

 

“Shit...” they heard Anderson whisper, as they stepped out to assess the situation.

 

The transport’s engine was destroyed, flames coming out of the hood.

 

The conduit was in sight, but you still had to go down a steep slope, and then cover several meters before reaching it.  Also, the path to it was blocked...  Perhaps they could manage to get one or two vehicles through, especially if they made a lateral approach, but most of the soldiers, including themselves, would simply have to make a run for it.

 

And now, Harbinger had just arrived, the vibration of its landing making the whole ground shake.

 

Kaidan quickly made his way to Shepard and grabbed his hand, watching the whole scene before them unfold.  “When we get out there, you run.” he said, his voice trembling slightly “You don’t look back, you don’t stop to see if I’m following, you just run.”

 

“Kaidan...” Shepard began to interrupt, looking back at him.

 

“No.  This is bigger than anything we’ve ever faced, bigger than you and me, and all these people...” he said, referring to the group of soldiers that would be trying to reach the conduit with them “...we can’t risk their sacrifice going to waste.  It **has** to count for something.  So if there’s any chance that you can reach this beam, you have to promise me that you are going to take it, no matter what.”

 

Shepard nodded, giving Kaidan’s hand a reassuring squeeze and whispering “I promise...  But you better just keep fighting like Hell...”

 

He offered him the best smile he could under the circumstances and nodded, before letting go of his lover’s hand and stepping back, readying his weapon, waiting for Anderson or Shepard to give the order.

 

“We gotta move!” Anderson said, looking at the Commander.

 

“Come on!” Shepard shouted back, grabbing his assault rifle and beginning his descent, Kaidan, Anderson, Javik, and all the other squads that were standing behind them following his lead.

 

“Hammer squads.  Go go go!” Anderson shouted on the com. systems, rallying the rest of the troops.

 

And they ran.


	6. Chapter 6

****

**Hope and a Fighting Chance**

**Chapter 6...**

 

They ran...  through the smoke, and death, and the debris of rocks, tanks and gunships exploding...  Bigger targets only seemed to make it easier for Harbinger to lock its giant red laser beam on them; but they also made it trickier for the ones running to stay on course, as well as to avoid getting caught in the explosions.  And since the gunships that did manage to get through needed to fly below the level of the conduit’s interference, they almost had to duck to avoid those, too.

 

It was hard to breathe...  hard to see...  The smoke was hot, thick, and heavy with the smell of burnt flesh and blood...  Kaidan felt as though his eyes and lungs were on fire; and all the lights and noises surrounding them did nothing to help with his concentration either.  Still, he pressed on, managing to stay right on Shepard’s heels...  Trying his best to ignore the soldiers dying and burning around them...

 

He almost had to wonder if Harbinger was trying to shoot at everyone **but** Shepard.  Keeping him for last so that he could fully bear witness to all the horror and devastation that this war had brought them...  Or perhaps they were just incredibly lucky.  If you considered being the galactic community’s last hope for survival being “lucky”.

 

They’d been running for...  what?  Seconds?  Minutes?  From down here, time appeared to stretch into an eternity...  The conduit’s beam was only a few feet away now...  almost within reach...  That’s when Kaidan noticed that the sky had started glowing red, right above their heads...

 

“SHEPARD!” he tried to yell above the noise, quickly summoning a large barrier of dark energy to envelop both Shepard and himself within it, trying to absorb as much energy from the Reaper’s laser as he could, hoping that it would allow their shields to hold against the searing heat for a while longer.  He saw Shepard instinctively raise his arm to cover his face from the blast.

 

For a few seconds, the pressure in his head kept building as he tried to keep his barrier holding, until he felt something large and blunt, probably a rock debris, hit him in the stomach and send him flying across the field.  There was a sudden sharp pain to the back of his head and in his lower back as he finally hit the ground, then everything went black...

 

When Kaidan slowly came to, the first thing he noticed was the throbbing, pulsing pain in the back of his head...  Though it wasn’t all that different from the usual discomfort he got from some of his worst flare ups and could thus still bring himself to think through it.  The area where his bio-amps port was situated, right at the base of his skull, seemed to be especially painful.  Reaching there with his right hand, he could feel that the port was dented, seemed to be overheated and also felt something very wet leaking from it...  Bringing his hand back to front of his face to look at it, he could see that it was covered in blood.  Okay, not good... but at least, he was still alert and thinking, so there was that.  Now, if he could just get up...

 

That’s when he noticed that he could no longer feel his legs.  Sitting up slowly and with great effort, fighting back the nausea and dizziness, he discovered that it was probably a very good thing, too.  His legs were pinned down under a very large boulder...  Though considering its size, “crushed” might have been a more adequate term.  So getting up wasn’t an option...

 

Trying to ignore the nauseating smell of smoke and death, he tried to focus on his surroundings instead...  Scanning the battlefield for any sign of life, he noticed that the few soldiers that were still moving didn’t seem to be in any better shape.  He could hear a few moans of pain here and there; see some of them crawling on the ground, limbs bent at odd angles...  But it didn’t look like any of them could still walk, much less fight...

 

He still kept searching though, his heart stuck in his throat, for the one he most wished and dreaded to find.  Eventually, he saw him...  Shepard was lying on his back, still just a few feet away from the conduit.  From a distance, it seemed that he had suffered from some severe burns, which he’d probably received after his barrier had collapsed, but was otherwise whole.  He couldn’t see if he was still breathing, though, and that had him greatly worried.

 

Looking up, he saw that Harbinger was flying away from the battle, which meant that the Reaper probably didn’t expect any more of them to still manage to get up and make it to the conduit, if any of them had at been able to reach it all, that was...  Either that, or its attention was needed elsewhere...  trying to attack the fleets defending the Crucible, maybe?  Especially if they now had some of their people inside the Citadel, trying to open its arms.  He could only hope...  However, there was a horde of marauders, husks, and other Reapers mutated creatures making their way towards them in the distance.

 

_“God...  they’re all gone...”_

 

It sounded like the voice of Major Coats, but Kaidan couldn’t be quite sure...  He’d stayed with the transports to supervise the assault and try to coordinate with the other teams in case Hammer wasn’t successful in reaching the beam.  From the sound of his voice, he could tell that it appeared that their attempt was considered a failure.

 

_“Did you get anyone to the beam?”_ he heard someone else ask...

 

_“Negative.  Our entire force was decimated.”_   Well, that answered his question as to whether anyone else had actually managed to make it onto the Citadel.

 

If they pulled back now, they risked losing the Crucible...  And if they lost the Crucible, he had no idea how they would be able to remain in the fight.  Kaidan had to do something...  **Anything**...

 

If Shepard was still alive, maybe he would still be able to reach the conduit.  Perhaps if he used his biotics to give him a little nudge...  he would wake up.  It’s not like he had a lot to lose by trying.  The only other plan he had was to use his biotics to remove the boulder from his legs, then ideally try to come up with **and** maintain a biotic float all the way down to the conduit...  or else, crawl as fast as he possibly could towards it...  All the while fending off the Reapers’ army that most probably would have managed to reach them by the time he’d managed to make it there...  And, of course, pray that he wouldn’t end up bleeding to death in the process with the rock no longer exerting any pressure on his legs.

 

So yeah, waking up Shepard and praying that he could still manage to make it there was still his best option.

 

The slight electrical jolt he received when he tried to activate his biotics stopped him from completing his move, though.  He tried to give a little push to one of the larger concrete blocks that was at about the same distance as Shepard, several feet to his left, and the force of the impact made it explode instead, completely vaporized.

 

Kaidan’s hands flew to his forehead and he closed his eyes tightly, trying to recover from the sharp pain...  There was also a metallic scent and taste in his nose and the back of his mouth...  A nosebleed...  The last time he’d overused his powers strongly enough to give himself an actual nosebleed was back in his BAaT training days.

 

But he knew what was happening...  At the very least, he had a pretty fair idea.  When he’d told Shepard that his implant had been “rattled”, there had been a little more to it.  But since Dr. Michel had assured him that everything was perfectly under control, and that the safety mechanisms they’d installed would hold as long as he managed to avoid any major head injury, he had preferred to keep the details to himself.  Even Dr. Chakwas hadn’t objected, and thought that it was probably a good idea considering how fast Shepard tended to get worried.  She’d offered to keep monitoring his implant and its modifications at close intervals in order to ensure that it was still perfectly safe to use, and that he remained fit for duty.  And so far, everything had worked perfectly fine.

 

Basically, when Dr. Eva had rammed his head several times into that shuttle, nearly killing him, he’d suffered from a brief implant overload that had ended up frying some of its circuitry, and modifying how strongly the implant was responding to his neural impulses.  As a result, his ability to generate mass effect fields and maintain them had grown ridiculously strong.  However, considering that the human body simply wasn’t built to handle as much static electrical charge, these new “superpowers” came with a heavy price: if nothing was done, every time he’d try powering up his implant, he’d risk destroying his whole nervous system.

 

At first, the doctors had considered trying to remove it to have it replaced by an L4 or L5...  But his L2 implant was now nearly fused with his brain, and any attempt to do so could very well have resulted in his death, or worse, in plunging him into a permanent vegetative state.

 

So they’d ended up opting for a safer option by installing a few mods in order to tone down the signals that the implant would be receiving from his nervous system, ensuring that his powers would never spike above a certain estimated safe level.  As a result, he’d ended up receiving a little “boost” to his biotic abilities, but could no longer use different bio-amps.  The permanent “amplifier” they’d provided him with was actually meant to ensure that the mods kept functioning properly.  It was probably safe to assume that neither the mods nor the amp were still working.

 

“Alenko...” he heard a weak voice say his name.  A voice he’d recognise nearly anywhere.

 

“Anderson?” he replied hopefully, looking to his right.  At first glance, Admiral Anderson’s injuries, while severe, didn’t appear to be life threatening.  At least, not for the time being.  He’d managed to stand, and was slowly making his way towards him, limping and dragging his feet, but he was still moving.  After reaching him, he nearly collapsed right next to him.

 

“Has anyone made it?” the Admiral asked, his face falling as he saw Kaidan slightly shake his head “no”.

 

“I’m sorry, I heard Major Coats over the radio and it would appear that none of our troops have made it.”

 

As if on cue, the Major’s voice came back over the intercoms once again _“It’s too much.  We need to regroup.  Fall back to the buildings...”_

 

_“Hammer’s wiped out...  All forces...  retreat.  Pull back!  Pull back!”_ another marine confirmed, transmitting the order to the rest of the squads.

 

“We won’t get another chance.” Anderson stated dejectedly.

 

“I know, Sir...  I was just...”  _Shepard!_   In the distance, he could see that not only was Shepard awake, but he’d managed to manoeuvre himself into a standing position, and was now slowly trying to make his way towards the beam, keeping his promise.  Perhaps there was still hope yet.

 

“Shepard might be needing assistance...  Can you make it to the conduit?” he asked the Admiral, keeping his eyes trained on the quickly approaching Reapers horde, a plan quickly forming in his mind.  _I’m so sorry, Shepard,_ he thought regretfully, _but it looks like I’ll be the one waiting…_

 

“Even if I could manage to run over there, there’s no way that I’d be able to make it before the Reapers forces have reached us.  I don’t even see how Shepard can hope to get to the beam before they arrive.”

 

He just needed the Reapers to get a little closer...

 

“Forget the Reapers.  Anderson, can you manage to stand up and make a run for it, yes or no?” he asked again with a determined expression.  If there was even a remote chance that the Admiral could make it, that meant that he’d have to make sure not to use up all of his strength and concentration at once, and hold on just a while longer...

 

“Probably, but I don’t see how...” Anderson begun, confused, only to have Kaidan interject.

 

“Remember how people always say that L2s tend to be highly unstable, and that it’s better to avoid provoking them?” he asked, bringing his focus back to the nearing Reapers troops...  They were almost there…

 

“Maybe...”

 

“Well the Reapers **really** pissed me off!” Kaidan said, suddenly activating his biotics and quickly projecting a mass effect field large and far enough to stop the Reapers from advancing any further.  He expended it so that it surrounded them like a gigantic dome, preventing any from attacking them from the sides or from above.  For a moment it wavered a bit, allowing a few husks and what appeared to be a marauder to venture in...  Hopefully, Shepard would be able to deal with them.  But then Kaidan quickly adjusted to the amount of dark energy needed to maintain it and keep it stable...  At least, for a time.

 

“My god...” he heard Anderson whisper in shock and awe...  “...how is that even possible?  The energy required for...”

 

“How about you figure it out once you’ve reached the conduit?  I don’t mean to rush you, but I don’t think that I’ll be able to do this trick twice!” Kaidan said imperatively.

 

Looking at the young man, Anderson quickly understood what he meant.  Kaidan’s whole body was shaking badly, and there was a trickle of blood steadily running out of his nose and ears...  The efforts needed to maintain such an immense field were slowly killing him...  But he couldn’t ask him to stop as the Major was providing them with the best chance, perhaps the only chance they had to succeed in opening the Citadel’s arms and allowing the Crucible to dock.

 

“It’s been an honor, Major.” he said, his voice filled with gratitude and sadness.  It was no secret that Admiral Anderson was the kind of leader that cared deeply about the people under his command, and often took the time to get to know them.  Kaidan Alenko was not only one of the finest and very best officers he’d had the pleasure of working with, but over the years serving together, had also become a very dear friend.

 

Kaidan nodded slightly, maintaining his concentration.  “Please keep him safe...” he whispered quietly, and Anderson felt his heart break a little, having known about Shepard and Kaidan’s relationship for some time now, long before anyone had been able to confirm it.  The Admiral was many things, but blind and oblivious wasn’t one of them.  He’d always suspected that there was something there, ever since he’d witnessed Kaidan’s reaction following Sovereign’s defeat.  The absolutely broken and defeated look followed by the intense relief and joy as Shepard had come back to them, stepping over the rubbles, making his way directly towards the other man…

 

“I will son, I will…” he promised, knowing that it was the very last bit of comfort he could offer him.  And, ignoring the pain and the weakness in his abused muscles and articulations, he stood up and began moving as fast as he possibly could towards the beacon, unholstering his side arm and keeping it trained upon the Reapers, in case some of them would manage to push pass the protective mass effect field.

 

Meanwhile, Kaidan tried to keep his breathing slow and even, doing his best to ignore the pulsing pain in the back of his head; and the numb, tingling sensation that was starting to spread across his entire body like a strong, warm electrical current that was slowly building.  He could hear his heart pounding in his chest, fighting to keep him alive despite the intense stress that his body and mind was being subjected to.

 

He just needed to remain conscious and hold on a while longer...  Shepard had almost succeeded in making it to the beam, and Anderson was halfway there already...  He only needed to maintain the field until they’d both reached it, and then...  then it wouldn’t matter.

 

_Let yourself become one with the energy surrounding you...  Reach out for that point in time and space where each living creature...  every spiritual entity...  everything that exists all around us becomes part of a greater whole, forever connected...  Understand that your physical body is but a vessel for the true power that lies within you...  A pale reflection of the person you truly are...  Do not fear that power, but embrace it._

 

Thane’s words, which he’d spoken during one of their guided meditation sessions, now resounded in his mind.  He could feel himself grow more and more disconnected from his own body...  Though he could still sense the air coming in and out of his lungs, tinged with blood...  hear the sound of his racing heart...  feel the dull ache and pressure in his head, and all over his body...

 

The sensations themselves had become distant...  Like an echo that no longer seemed to quite belong to him.  However, he could feel the edges of the mass effect field that he was maintaining with perfect clarity...  Almost as if the Reapers creatures were pushing directly against himself, and all that he had to do to stop them was push back.

 

_You know it’s the right choice, LT._

_My son only acted in self defense!  If the turian government wants to press the issue, they’ll have to go through me first!_

_Can you believe it, Alenko?  We’re going to assist a real Council Spectre!  Can’t wait to see Nilhus in action!_

_Every hero needs a hero every now and then, Kaidan.  I think you should be his._

_I’m sorry, Kaidan, after what happened, I...  They’re shutting off Brain Camp and my dad wants me to go back home...  It’s probably better if we don’t see each other again..._

_Sacrifice one to save the many..._

_The ocean is full of life, yet it is not life as you and I know it.  To survive there, we must release our hold on land.  Accept a new way to live._

_Hope can’t survive without Faith..._

_Come on Kaidan, **fight**._

_You chose to become a soldier, and you chose to put yourself in harm's way to protect a friend.  That's all part of who you are, and I am grateful._

_I'd tell you just how very beautiful you are to me...  And just how much I love you and need you right now._

_I love you, Kaidan..._

 

As Shepard finally reached the conduit and he watched him being absorbed by the beam of light, Kaidan kept hearing voices from his past...  Moments that had played a significant role in his life...  in the choices that he had made...  Bits and flashes reminding him of the journey he had taken to get there.

 

If he was still breathing, it was now so shallow that he could no longer consciously feel it...  And his heart was beating much slower now, almost sluggishly, and at odd intervals.  The pain was gone, and the only thing left of the previous tingling sensation was the feeling of intense warmth and built up energy that had taken hold of his entire body.  It kept screaming for release, and Kaidan knew that he wouldn’t be able to contain it much longer...

 

Thankfully, Anderson was now reaching the conduit...  “See you on the other side, Shepard.” Kaidan whispered quietly, calling back the dark energy field to his body and combining it with the static electrical charge that had been accumulated, before releasing both all at once in a massive shockwave that ended up obliterating any Reapers creatures standing more than three feet from the ground for several feet passed the conduit; taking out the bulk of the horde.

 

His body then collapsed, a great feeling of calm, peace, and absolute weakness washing over him.  Kaidan let his eyes close and gently surrendered to it, knowing that anything that remained to be done was a battle that he could no longer fight...  At least, not from this side...

 

Besides, he’d always wanted to learn how to float...

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They’d done it.  They’d gotten the Citadel’s arms to open, allowing the Crucible to dock.  The Illusive Man had even gotten the chance to redeem himself.  Shepard wouldn’t exactly call him a hero, considering that he didn’t quite know how many of Cerberus’ previous horrors had been a result of his own megalomaniac schemes instead of a direct result of indoctrination...  But in the end, he’d been able to break free of the Reapers’ control long enough to end his own life, thus allowing Shepard and Anderson to complete their mission.  At the very least, his desire to protect humanity had been genuine, no matter how misguided his attempts.

 

Shepard was now sitting next to Anderson, watching Earth and the fight between Sword and the Reapers from the gigantic window in front of them.

 

“We did it.” he said, seeing the Admiral nod slowly, visibly exhausted.  They were both in pretty bad shape, barely holding it together...  And without the adrenaline rush to keep them going, trying to move their limbs felt like trying to move underwater.  Even the sound of their voices seemed to Shepard oddly distant, and out of focus.

 

“Yes, we did.”  Anderson finally replied, taking a good look at the planet they had fought so hard to protect.  “It’s quite a view...”

 

“Best seats in the house.” he said, trying his best to ignore the sharp pain that the simple effort to speak brought in his left side.  Everything hurt right now...  From breathing, to just trying to maintain a sitting position.

 

“God...  feels like years since I just sat down.” the other man remarked, and Shepard could only imagine what it must have been like... Trying to organize the resistance back on Earth, right in the very heart of the war...  Keeping everything from falling apart while his own team was doing their best to rally as many allies as they possibly could from all over the galaxy.  Despite everything, the time they’d spent on the Normandy while traveling from one point to another had allowed Shepard and his crew to preserve a certain sense of normality.  It had allowed them to rest and gather their strength between missions, and even have the luxury of pursuing relationships.  He couldn’t help now but think that despite how difficult and perilous some of their missions had been, they’d been the lucky ones.

 

“I think you earned a rest.”  he said, feeling a great deal of respect, gratitude, and admiration for the man, and also feeling very privileged to be counted among his friends. 

 

“Anderson?” Shepard asked quickly, having noticed that the Admiral had stopped moving, and looked like he was staring fixedly at a point in the distance.

 

“Hmmm...”  Anderson murmured with a little jolt, as if Shepard’s voice had just woken him up.

 

“Stay with me.  We’re almost through this.” the Commander urged him, trying to hold on for the both of them, thinking of Kahlee Sanders and the fact that she would probably be waiting for him at the end of the war, if she was still safe...  Just like he’d promised Kaidan that he would also be waiting...

 

“You did good, son.  You did good.  I’m proud of you.”  Anderson answered, his voice filled with relief, and admiration.

 

“Thank you, Sir.” Shepard replied quietly...  For some reason, these simple words, uttered by a man that was one of humanity’s greatest heroes, not to mention the closest thing to a father figure that Shepard had ever had, meant more to him than any other form of recognition he’d ever received.

 

Looking over at his friend and mentor, Shepard noticed that his eyes were closed, and his body was slumped forward slightly, entirely relaxed.

 

“Anderson?” he asked again, but this time, received no answer.  He looked as though he’d just fallen asleep, but Shepard knew by the absolute stillness of his chest and the rest of his body that it wasn’t a sleep that he would ever awaken from.

 

Up until then, he’d been pushing forward, keeping his promise, trying to get the Citadel’s arms opened at all costs, and then holding on much for Anderson’s sake...  hoping to get him safely through all of this...  And now...  now he just felt alone, and empty.  With the Admiral gone and his mission fulfilled, he felt lost...  his brain having trouble to identify what came next... what was his next fight...

 

Looking at the impressive sight in front of him, he realized that his only hope was that somewhere...  down there...  Kaidan had managed to survive, and would still be waiting for him...  If a rescue team would succeed in getting to them in time.

 

Glancing down at the hand holding the deep wound in his side, covered with an alarming amount of fresh blood, it seemed that time was indeed running very short...  Already, he was feeling light headed, nauseated, and cold...  fighting the near irresistible urge to just rest...  to fall asleep and let go of the pain and the stress and...  but then he knew what most likely would happen.

 

Would it be so bad?  Part of him just wanted it to be over...  No more fighting, no more hurt, no more nightmares and dark visions...  And if Kaidan hadn’t been able to make it to the beam yet, then he knew that there were some very strong chances that he had already crossed over...  And if he had, then dying would actually turn out to be his only hope of ever seeing him again...

 

But the thing was that somehow, it didn’t feel like Kaidan was gone...  Actually, if felt as though he was close by...  as if all he’d had to do was turn around, and he would find him standing right there...  smiling that little adorable shy smile that he loved so much...

 

Or maybe the blood loss was beginning to make him delirious...

 

“Shepard.  Commander!”  _Hackett?_ And why did he sound like there was some kind of emergency?

 

“I...   What do you need me to do?” he replied, trying to pull himself into a standing position, but falling right back to the ground...  His head spinning badly and his legs now much too weak to manage to sustain his own weight...

 

“Nothing’s happening.  The Crucible’s not firing.  It’s got to be something on your end.” Hackett went on to explain, as Shepard resorted to dragging himself across the floor in order to try to reach the control panel.

 

 “Commander Shepard!” Hackett said more urgently.

 

“I don’t see...  I’m not sure how to...”  Shepard finally replied, desperately trying to pull himself up to reach the panel...  _Not now...  I’ve got to..._ he thought, but then both his arms and legs entirely gave out, the darkness closing in on him dangerously fast...

 

“Commander?” he heard Hackett’s voice ask again, and everything went black...

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The darkness was soon replaced by a warm, vibrant light, and Shepard found himself standing in the middle of what seemed like a vast, endless white room...

 

But there was something very strange about that whiteness, as if it wasn’t actually part of this place, but something that had been placed over his own eyes...  like some kind of giant, shifting veil that covered things that he wasn’t yet supposed to see.  Still, at the same time, it all felt intimately familiar...  a bit like he’d been here before, but couldn’t quite remember...  at least, not on a conscious level.

 

That’s when he noticed that there were shadows moving beyond, and within the veil.  Some seemed to be gathered together, others moved freely... Some even seemed to find some interest in him...  moving close...  whispering soothing words that he wasn’t quite able to understand, but nevertheless felt oddly comforting.

 

These shadows reminded him, in many ways, of those he had encountered in his dreams.  Except there was nothing in his environment to inspire fear or any sense of distress now...  To be fair, the shadows themselves had never been threatening, even in his visions...  They’d always seemed a bit out of place, as if they didn’t belong to the nightmare, but instead were there to offer support, guidance, and protection.  Here, they simply made him feel safe...

 

Most of them appeared to be representing humans...  Some other species, one even reminded him of a geth...  But their outlines was difficult for him to see, and if he tried to stare too hard right at them, the glowing aura they emitted only seemed to be shining brighter, with that peculiar luminescence that didn’t blind him, but still made it hard for him to distinguish specific traits...

 

“Hello?  Can anyone tell me what I’m supposed to be doing, now?” he called out, wondering for how long he was supposed to just stand there, basking in all the light and whiteness.

 

That’s when he noticed that one of the shadows seemed to be glowing a little bit brighter and stronger than the others, and was making its way directly towards him.

 

So far, except for a few whispers, none of them had attempted to directly interact with him...  But this one both looked and felt different.  Shepard couldn’t quite explain it, but he felt a very deep, visceral connection to it...  It was pulling him towards the shadow like that beacon on Eden Prime, but he had no intention to try to resist the attraction this time.

 

Actually, he found himself wanting and craving that connection...  As if that shadow was already part of his very being...  as if it completely belonged to him, somehow.  So, as it stopped right in front of him, and extended what appeared to have the vague outline of a hand towards his left cheek, Shepard found himself instinctively closing his eyes, and leaning into the touch, trusting the entity with everything he was...

 

Suddenly, he was back on Earth, looking over the battlefield where Hammer had made its final stand.  He watched dispassionately as he found himself staring at Kaidan’s pale, lifeless body from above...  Eyes closed, right arm resting on his stomach while the other one had fallen to his side...  Legs stuck under a large piece of concrete...  He hovered above it for a few seconds, feeling oddly disconnected from the vision, yet slightly hesitating to let go...  until a much stronger force, coming from beyond the conduit, compelled him to abandon what now seemed to be to him just an empty shell, so small and meaningless, and go answer its call.

 

He flew with great speed towards the beam, reaching its light within moments, and soon found himself on the Citadel, slowly walking by “his” side.

 

Shepard could see himself limping towards the control room...  Trying to reach Anderson as they both exchanged words on their intercoms.  He didn’t pay so much attention to what was being said, though...  Instead, he kept his focus on trying to help “himself” maintain his strength.  Share his own energy if need be in order to allow “himself” to keep going.

 

As he watched, Shepard was near overwhelmed with pure feelings of love, compassion, and a deep understanding that went far beyond what most people could ever experience in life...

 

That’s when he finally understood...  These visions he was now having...  All of these feelings he was experiencing...  They weren’t his.  They were Kaidan’s.

 

Through a process that wasn’t unlike what Shepard had experienced when sharing memories with Liara or even Javik, but at the same time much deeper; Kaidan was allowing him to experience his own memories from the very moment he’d died, until now.

 

Leaving his empty, worn out physical body behind in order to follow Shepard through the beam...  Inspiring him to keep on going and fighting as he painfully made his way to the control room...  Helping his mind fight back against the Illusive Man’s attempt to control them...  And also, helping the Illusive Man clear his own mind long enough for him to do the only thing that could free him from the indoctrination.  Staying by Anderson’s side in his final moments, and gently helping his soul to cross over, before going back to Shepard and doing all he could to provide him with some comfort...  to make him feel that he wasn’t alone...

 

The reason why he’d felt like Kaidan had been close by was because, in truth, he had never left.  Even beyond life, his lover had kept his promise to never let go...  refusing to let him face all of this on his own. The knowledge of it was a bit overwhelming, yet Shepard couldn’t help but feel intense joy, and relief.

 

The visions were starting to fade though...  Afraid to lose the connection and unprepared for the moment to end, Shepard instinctively pushed deeper, his mind searching actively for Kaidan’s, demanding further access.  At first, he felt a surprised resistance, and feared that he would suddenly find himself standing again in the middle of all the whiteness, in front of a quickly retreating shadow...

 

But then, he felt Kaidan’s own personal energy immediately relax, apparently amused, even, and all of the mental barriers between them collapsed at once.

 

There were no words to adequately describe what happened next...  Other than what could perhaps be called a perfect communion of souls.  Kaidan’s entire life memories and experiences...  every past thoughts and feelings...  everything that made up the very fabric of who he once had been, and the person he now was were suddenly passed onto him.  But unlike the cipher and the prothean beacons, this time, he was fully able to process and integrate all of the information he was receiving; while also transmitting his own entire life experiences to Kaidan.

 

They got to “know” each other in a way that Shepard would never have dreamed possible...  Relive all the important moments in their relationship through each others’ very own feelings and perceptions, including the very depth of their love and devotion for one another.  The communication between them was very pure, and simply perfect...

 

As the feeling slowly subsided and they gradually regained their own sense of individuality, Shepard noticed that something about his environment seemed to have changed...  He wasn’t standing alone anymore, but felt two strong arms encircling his waist, holding him securely against a very solid chest...

 

Slowly opening his eyes, he now found himself staring back into the deep brown eyes of his lover, who was now holding him there, where they both stood, and was smiling warmly at him.

 

“Hey, there you are...” Shepard said, making Kaidan chuckle.  He was still the same man he’d fallen in love with, though there was something different about him, too.  He looked a bit younger, more carefree.  The usual restraint in his general behavior appeared to be gone also.  And most important of all, he seemed at peace, and happy.

 

“You surprised me a little back there...  I didn’t quite expect you to remember how to communicate like that...” he said, explaining why he’d initially resisted Shepard’s “intrusion”.

 

“Remember...” the other man trailed off...

 

“You were here before...  For quite some time, actually...  Back on Earth, it appeared only as two years, but for me, I remember it feeling like an eternity...”

 

“Then why can’t I recall most of it?” Shepard asked, wondering why the whole world around them still looked and felt so blurry...

 

“It’s too much for a living mind to process...” Kaidan explained, making the Commander slowly come to another realization.

 

“I’m not dead...” he stated, barely above a whisper.

 

“No, but you are close...  Your physical body has lost a lot of blood and is slowly failing...  Your cybernetics are doing all they can to repair part of the damage, and keep you alive.  Your soul is hovering between life and death...  And since your link to this place has never been entirely severed, you came back here to recover...  Because you don’t quite fully belong here yet, however, everything must appear to be heavily veiled to you.” he explained patiently, as Shepard began to make sense of what was happening to him...

 

He frowned “But I can perfectly see, hear and touch you...”

 

Kaidan laughed “Yeah, about that...  Don’t know how exactly you managed it, but it seems that you’ve somehow decided that I belong with you; no matter which side of the veil we’re both standing on.  Not that I’m complaining, mind you.”

 

“You better not...” Shepard replied, leaning in to kiss him...  As their lips met, he felt that connection between them open again, experiencing the kiss as one, while also noticing many little different things...  The lack of breath or heartbeat, for starters...  The way that his “skin” was much more sensitive to touch, almost having a life of its own...  The soft vibrations that were running through their bodies, back and forth between them, in accordance with their feelings...  Everything about that kiss was both very familiar, and excitingly new.

 

Thane’s sea analogy about needing to embrace a new way of “living” was starting to feel more and more accurate.  And about Thane...

 

“What about the others?” he asked, after the kiss had ended.

 

“You can’t see them, but they’re here...” Kaidan said, looking at the few shadows that had now gathered around them, forming a circle.  _Great, and now we’re giving them quite the show..._   Shepard thought, nevertheless snuggling closer into Kaidan’s arms.

 

“...well, except for Javik.  He had quite the welcoming party, considering that he’s kept his friends and family waiting for about 50 000 years.  He sends his regards, though, and said that he has complete trust in your ability to end this war once and for all, and in the best possible manner.  He’ll probably try to catch up later, too.” he added, making Shepard straighten up a little to look back into his eyes.

 

“Wait...  If I’m dying, how am I supposed to win the war?” he asked, vaguely remembering his last moments back at the Citadel...  Hackett’s voice, telling him that the Crucible wasn’t firing...  Passing out before he’d managed to reach the control panel.  Oh god...  How could he have forgotten about it?  The people back there were still fighting!  They still needed him!  He **had** to go back and find a way to help them.

 

_“Wake up!”_ he heard an unfamiliar voice tell him, as Kaidan began to shift in and out of focus.  His first instinct was to panic and cling to him.

 

“Shhh...  It’s okay...” his lover whispered soothingly, running his hand up and down his back “...I’m never letting you go, remember?  I promise to be right by your side, ready to guide you back home when the fight is over.”

 

“Will I remember any of this?” Shepard found himself asking, though he already suspected the answer.

 

“When you get back here, you will...  Until then, you should still be able carry with you the feeling of peace you got from this place, and the strength you will need to complete your journey...  Part of you should also retain the knowledge that you have nothing to fear, and that I will be waiting for you...” he explained, giving him a last kiss and stepping back from him, smiling reassuringly.

 

Shepard returned his smile, feeling a bit nervous, but ready to face whatever was to come...  He found some comfort in the knowledge that their separation would only be temporary, and that Kaidan would be with him along the way.  He kept his eyes on his love for as long as he possibly could...  Slowly watching the world around them dissolve into a quiet, numbing darkness, until he could no longer feel, hear, think, or see.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

As Shepard slowly came back to his senses, the first thing that he became aware of was that everything hurt...  His arms, his head, his chest...  There was a dull ache all over his body and he couldn’t quite figure out what had just happened.  He slowly managed to manoeuvre himself into a kneeling position, taking support on his arms to try to get himself to stand, but ended up staying on all four instead while trying to clear his mind.

 

He saw a child walk up to him in the distance...  His body seemed to be made of pure energy.  _Great.  Hallucinations!_ he thought, closing his eyes in the hopes that it would make them go away.

 

“Wake up!” the energy child said imperatively, having apparently reached him.  Well, so much for his hallucinations staying quiet.

 

He eventually managed to stand up and took in his surroundings.  This was like no other place he’d ever been before...  He was standing underneath what appeared to be a giant glass dome, with at its very center a large structure emitting some kind of blue beaming energy.  On one side was come kind of power conduit; while on the other side there was an odd device with what appeared to be two handles.  That structure appeared to be right at the junction between the Crucible and the Citadel.

 

“What?  Where am I?” he asked, confused...  The last thing he remembered was Admiral Hackett calling out to him on their intercoms, and then trying to reach out for that control panel, only to find himself succumbing to the weakness and the darkness before being able to complete his task.

 

Had that “child” brought him here?  And how?

 

“The Citadel.  It’s my home.” The child replied in a monotone, almost robotic voice.

 

Taking a closer look at him, Shepard noticed that he looked suspiciously familiar...  His appearance seemed to be based almost exactly on the little boy that had haunted his dreams over the last few months...  the one that he had been unable to save...  one of his biggest regrets, and failure.

 

“Who are you?” he asked, troubled that this creature, or entity, whatever it was, would be able to assume a shape that was familiar to its interlocutor, and appeared to be directly connected to a strong emotional response.  In his case, guilt.  He knew that the Reapers could control minds and thus probably had found a way to have access to people’s thoughts, but still, it was making him feel a bit uneasy.  He had to wonder if others would see the same thing, or if each person encountering it would end up with an entirely different perception of the energy form in front of him.  What was it?  A VI?  An AI?

 

“I am the Catalyst.”  Okay, that didn’t quite make any sense...  Or maybe he was way too tired for this.

 

However, from what Shepard was able to gather from this strange creature, it appeared that, at some point in time, many cycles ago, there had been a war between synthetics and organics that had then threatened to bring about the extinction of all organic life.  Coming to the conclusion that synthetics would always rebel against their creators, plunging the world into a state of chaos and thus risking to wipe out all organics from the face of the galaxy; the synthetic organisms of that cycle had come up with a very twisted solution.

 

Every time that a civilization reached a certain level of technological advancement, “they” would come back to harvest the most advanced civilizations of the cycle, storing their “old life” in Reaper form...  while the younger “new” life forms were allowed to evolve.  Apparently, they also either wiped out or harvested the synthetics, too, since none remained from the precedent cycle either.

 

The Reapers were thus some strange mix of organics and synthetics, whose ultimate purpose was to harvest the civilizations that they judged represented a risk of bringing about the destruction of all life through the creation of artificial intelligence.

 

But although their genetic code carried traces of both life forms, the whole reasoning behind their “solution” remained the cold, calculating thinking of pure machines, believing that the only purpose of organic life was survival and reproduction.

 

That “solution” was based on the assumption that the created rebelling against the creators was always a tragedy that needed to be avoided at all costs.  When, in fact, it was all an integral part of life; of a greater process called individuation where a being that began thinking for itself and acquired complex thought patterns needed to ascertain its own identity.

 

If the creators reacted badly by insisting on keeping absolute control over their creations, as the quarians initially had, then yes, violent confrontation was unavoidable.

 

But if the creators became aware that their creations were now evolving into fully sentient beings trying to define their own identity, and welcomed the process instead, providing valuable insight and guidance instead of fearing it, then it could very well be avoided.

 

If anything, the quarians and the geths were living proofs that something greater could be born from the chaos.  And all it often took was one solid example of a given situation to set a precedent for the next generations.  The alliance between organics and synthetics in that case had opened the door for further collaboration between other organic and synthetic races in the future.

 

Future “creators” would then be able to draw inspiration from what had been done before, in order to avoid making the same mistakes that had previously lead to destruction and violence.

 

Life wasn’t about simply existing and surviving, it was about learning, growing, and taking risks...  If every single time that a civilization reached a certain point in its evolution, the Reapers came back to press the giant “reset” button; then they were destroying the very essence of life.

 

“But you’re taking away our future.  Without a future, we have no hope.  Without hope...  we might as well be machines, programmed to do what we’re told.” he’d argued, trying to make the Catalyst understand that it simply couldn’t go on like this.

 

 “You have hope.  More than you think.  The fact that you are standing here, the first organic ever, proves it.  But it also proves my solution won’t work anymore.” it had agreed, before offering to collaborate with Shepard in order to find new possibilities...

 

They were very far from perfect; and all three options suggested involved a fairly high level of risks or potentially negative consequences.

 

Not to mention that the Reapers had been known for their willingness to manipulate and control organics **and** synthetics alike in order to fulfil their goals.  Therefore, it was hard to believe that everything that the Catalyst was telling him was the absolute truth, especially considering that he had admitted to being the one that controlled the Reapers.

 

For example, would destroying the Reapers truly result in the entire destruction of all synthetic life, including EDI and the geths?  Or was he really willing to assume that it was all a giant lie in order to preserve the Reapers, and risk it?

 

Would controlling the Reapers and ordering them to leave the galaxy really ensure that they would never come back?  And would that preserve synthetic life?

 

Was the synthesis between organics and synthetics really the final evolution of life, and be the best solution to preserve and save both?  The one scenario that ensured a long lasting peace?

 

Shepard didn’t fear what the eventual possibility of further chaos and conflicts would bring, unlike the Catalyst.  He had faith in people’s ability to learn from their past, and rise up to the new challenges that life brought them, much as the krogans ultimately had.

 

The most important thing, to him, was breaking the cycle, thus allowing change to occur, and giving a chance for hope to live.

 

In the end, he had to take a leap of faith, and hope that his choice would end up being the right one.  Once that decision was made, there would be nothing more that he would be able do to help, one way or another.

 

So, as he felt the heat and the light consume his body, Shepard found himself letting go of all thoughts of Reapers, Catalyst, and hard choices.  Completely releasing his hold on the world, and blocking the pain; he found himself thinking of Joker, Garrus, Liara, Tali, and all the other wonderful friends and comrades that, over the last few years, had become his family...  He prayed that their future would be filled with love, happiness, and many joys and blessings.

 

He thought of Anderson, Thane, Mordin, Ashley, and all the other friends that he had lost to this war.  He thought of the soldiers and other people that had sacrificed their lives in the hope of winning them their future.  And he found some comfort in the belief that he would soon be joining them...

 

And finally, he thought about the man that, over the last few months, had been carrying this fight by his side...  the man that had shared his life, his thoughts, his struggles...  his love...  The one that had stubbornly refused to let him ever give up hope, even when it had seemed that all hope was lost.

 

He could picture Kaidan in his mind smiling back at him...  His eyes filled with the same love, devotion, tenderness, and absolute trust he’d shown on that last night they’d shared together...  He could feel his gentle strength...  his comforting presence that somehow always managed to reach every fiber of his being...

 

And when Kaidan’s smile grew slightly wider as he extended his hand to Shepard, quickly pulling him into the comfort of his arms when Shepard gladly took it without a moment’s hesitation; he let his love safely guide him back towards the place where the traveler never tires, the hungry never starves, and the lover, never leaves.

 

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Hope and a Fighting Chance" was completed before the EC ending DLC came out.
> 
> So, for those of you that never got to play the "uncompleted" version of ME3, it may be interesting for you to know that this story was written at a time when:
> 
> \- The 3 choices offered to us were pretty vague, and didn't make much sense.  
> \- There was a lot of speculation regarding whether or not the Catalyst was telling the truth regarding the potential consequences of each choice.  
> \- The impact of our decision wasn't shown, and we were left to try to guess how "destroy", "control", or "synthesis" would affect the galaxy.  
> \- The Catalyst never explained what "it" was.  
> \- The evac. scene never happened (still don't understand how the Normandy managed to fly so close to the conduit, when I thought that it was emitting some kind of interference preventing ships from launching an aerial strike against the Reapers on the ground).
> 
> Therefore, one minute you were making a run for the conduit with two of your companions (in this case, Kaidan and Javik). The next, you were hit by Harbinger’s read laser beam. You then regained consciousness to the sound of Major Coats’ voice saying that no one had successfully made it to the beam, and that the whole Hammer squad had been decimated. And finally, when you stood up and tried to look around to locate your companions, none of them were anywhere to be seen.
> 
> So later, when Kaidan was suddenly seen stepping out of the Normandy COMPLETELY UNHARMED after it crashed on a tropical planet, you were left to wonder how in the world he had managed to mysteriously teleport there! Lol! 
> 
> I remember thinking: “Are you seriously telling me that, while Shepard was busy making a run for the beam, Kaidan and Javik were running in the opposite direction and managed to call the Normandy to come pick them up? Are you frakking kidding me?”
> 
> Since I refused to believe that Kaidan would ever accept to abandon Shepard in order to run to safety, I came up with my own scenario regarding what had happened to him. I thus chose to treat the scene where he is seen stepping out of the Normandy as a “bug”, and came up with my own “head canon”. After all, if a character that was killed in your game could suddenly be brought back to life in the DA2 epilogue (a well known and confirmed bug that has since then been corrected), it wasn’t too farfetched to believe that something similar could have happened in ME3.
> 
> As for the ending itself, I initially decided to let the people choose which one they preferred, as I thought that the story itself still worked whether Shepard would have chosen “control”, “synthesis”, or “destroy”. So I let his final decision remain purposely vague.
> 
> However, having now played the EC ending and the Leviathan DLCs, I can confirm that this particular Shepard would have chosen “synthesis”.
> 
> According to how I have decided to write him, and what I know of his personality, I know that he would never have accepted to sacrifice the lives of his synthetic allies and betray them in such a way, not unless there really was absolutely no other alternative available.
> 
> He didn’t care much for revenge, or for destroying his enemies (not all conflicts must end with the annihilation of your adversaries).
> 
> His primary objectives were:   
> \- stopping the Reapers from continuing to harvest this cycle (something that can be achieved by making peace with the enemy);  
> \- saving as many lives as possible (that includes EDI and the geth);  
> \- and making sure that the galaxy would be able to oppose the Leviathans shall they ever choose to return (if that happens, the Reapers might come in handy).
> 
> However, he wasn’t willing to “lose everything” in order to become some type of greater immortal consciousness with the ability to control the Reapers either.
> 
> Therefore, “synthesis” became the only acceptable solution. Not ideal, but the one that made the most sense to him and had the least disastrous consequences.
> 
> So, fear not! Joker and EDI are both still alive, and will share one very long, happy life together! : ) : ) : )
> 
> Thank you so much for having taken the time to read my story (and/or leave kudos).
> 
> All the best!
> 
> TheLostGirl21 : )


End file.
